someone for everyone

There's a famous saying: "a successful marriage life requires falling in love many times, always with the same person". Alhamdulillah.. I think it happens to my marriage life.

Yes, it is too early to call mine as the successful one. However, I am so happy, proud and grateful because me and my husband have succeed getting through our first year of marriage. In fact, we love, care and respect each other more than before. It really wasn't an easy year with our businesses slowing down, the never-ending family issues, hence accelerated the tension between us. I gotta give most credits to my husband for his incredible level of patience and understanding.

Nowadays, everytime I wake up, I will look at his sleeping face and I can feel that I am falling in love more and more with him. Thank you for always trying to bring out the best of me. You are unbelievable, even my parents and my family couldn't stand me the way you do. Subhanallah.. Alhamdulillah Ya Allah for marrying me with the right person.

I can't believe I am actually gonna say this but for those who still single, please do get married as soon as possible. Don't wait for the right one, as there is no such thing as the one. Look for someone who is willing to make things right and work out for both of you, look for someone who loves and accepts you unconditionally. Good-looking, romantic, wealth, sexy are just the added bonus however don't let those overshadow your judgement. Don't mess someone's relationship, karma does exist to bite your ass. Trust me, there is someone for everyone :)

With a baby which will due in December this year, I really am the happiest wife!!

joyeux anniversaire Maman!

Joyeux Anniversaire Maman! / Happy Birthday Mom!

As always, I wish you a life which fills with good health, happiness, warmth ad wisdom. May Allah SWT never fails to provide you with all the most-possible best things in life.


Regardless our on-and-off relationship, I love and adore you, Mom. You inspired in a lot of ways. You are the toughest and smartest woman I ever know, both physically and mentally.

You spend most of your life, struggling to show the world that a woman is actually a super woman who can also excel at many things. Though your dedication to work costs you the relationship with your children, yet you stick to your belief. As I grow older, I personally don't resent you for doing so..

I just hope to be given a chance, where I can take care of you and where you an start to lean on me and my siblings. 'Till then, I'll always watch your back and be ready to catch you whenever you need and want me too.

I love you.
Je t'aime, tojours...

sister to brothers

Whenever I'm talking with my older brothers, it feels like that I'm talking to strangers. We always end up arguing, throwing tantrums or feeling disappointed at one another.

It isn't that I don't love or respect them, but everytime I see them or talk to them, all I can think is how they keep on bringing more troubles into the family, even after they have their own family. I just got so fed up with their immature behaviors, their constant demands of their rights, their love-hate relationship with our parents...

Sometimes.. I can't help but to question the sincerity of their love, care and attention toward our parents, especially Papa. Why does the only thing that come out from their mouth is always about money? And why did after they got what they want, they just went away and wouldn't be back until they need more money? Apa Papa ga lebih dari sekedar mesin ATM buat mereka?

Miris banget ngeliat mereka yang kaya gitu, seakan mereka berjalan tanpa arah. Melihat ketergantungan mereka yang tinggi, gw ga sanggup ngebayangin mau jadi apa mereka ketika Papa-Mama ga ada? Harta itu hanya bersifat titipan kak, if you don't know how to struggle in order to earn a petty penny, what would happen to your wives and kids?

We've been spending so much time to be apart, God knows how much I want to make up the times we lost together as siblings. I really wish the five of us can be together again, working next to Papa, being his tandem partners, learning as much as we could from him.

The thought that Papa-Mama are getting older and weaker as time goes by is haunting me. I'm scared.. Do we still have enough time to make them happy? Would they be able to see and take part in our success? Oh dear God, please don't take them away before we are able to make them proud with their kids, Amin Ya Rab. 

So, please stop playing around, because it really is the time to get back to your senses.

Welcome 2010

Happy New Year 2010 everyone! May the new year brings us new hope, spirit and love.

I sincerely hope 2010 could turn out to be a much better year for me and my family.

Please put more smiles on my dad's face and make my mom be more attentive to her kids. Please take a very good care of my brothers and sister as well, especially the older ones. Kindly let them regain their senses.

As for myself, please don't let me do such action which will disappoint my parents.

Dear God.. please protect and bless all of us.

R.I.P grandma

I know I should have let you go by now, grandma. But the thoughts of not being able to see your warm smiles, to hug your vulnerable body or to have those lovely chats with you are killing me =(

I'm going to miss you very badly, grandma.. I will always love you!!

Dear God,
Please take a very good care of my grandma.

daughter to mother

My mother may not the world's greatest mother and heck... I don't need her to be one. Because no matter what people say about her or what the world against her, I still love and care about her.

Please stay healthy and live a long life, mother..
Please give me more time to make up for all of my slacks and wrong doings.

I love you heaps, mother. Happy Mother's Day!

false truth

Wow, it has been months since my last post. I didn't ditch this blog on purpose, it just that I kind of lose my desire to write. But, here I am, finally back (:

This morning, I wake up with uneasy feeling.
I don't clearly understand what got into me, but somehow, I feel so piss off with my Dad’s wife. Few minutes later, I realised that last year, on the same date, I decided to move out from my Dad's house.

I'm really proud I can go this far to fight for my independence and let myself free from the insanity which almost drove me crazy.
However, I can't help but to feel dissatisfied that I had to pay this freedom with 'ungrateful child' label.

At first, I didn't give a shit of what people thought about me and my action, because I was so hurt back then. I spent months to recover from anger, frustration, and self-identity crisis. But recently, I'm starting to feel pain in the ass everytime someone is asking whether I'd come home or not.
Still feeling as hurtful as before, I only reply that I'm not thinking to go back in the near future. These people started to throw me their tantrums, they kept on telling me that I shouldn't be so stubborn, I should've came first and asked for apology.

For the love of God, I can assure you guys that, if you ever have to experience the same thing as me, you would either end up as a murder or spend the rest of your life in mental hospital.
So please... if you don't know a thing of what I have been through, please don't make such spiteful judgments. It isn’t fair at all, because I'm the one who is being honest with my own feeling, while my Dad and his wife are too busy to deceive everyone. Believe me, they are the greatest actors I ever known!!

Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad very much. However, he is blinded with his love toward his wife. I'm not trying to against his great love, but I just want him to spare me from his wife's unstable emotion and lack of self-control.
I'm so done with her, I don't want any of her harsh words and treatments anymore. I had enough of them already.

I used to care about her. Seriously, my affections to her was sincere, even after those physical abuses I frequently received during my childhood (which include some slaps on the face, smacks on the head or against the wall, a broomstick, a belt), I still favored her feeling prior my own mother's. But what did I get in return?
* Accusations of having affair with my boss, a hidden pregnancy
* Severe treatments such 'you deserve no meals in this house'
* Fact that I was nearly failed to attend my graduation day because she torn my airplane ticket and sabotaged my luggage
That night, right at the very moment when she said horrible things about me, I finally understand that she never think of me as her child.

I was devastated inside-out, I cried all night. Thankfully, I have wonderful boyfriend and friends who held me up. My Dad was at home, witnessing the whole incident, unfortunately he did nothing. I didn't blame him though, perhaps he wanted to avoid further conflict with his wife.

By the next morning, I became resolute with my decision, i.e. to get myself out from that house ASAP. I do no longer want a love and hate relationship with my Dad’s wife, I'm sick to put her feeling above everything, I'm fucking tired of her demanding and dictating attitudes!!!

I'm very certain that it was a decision I will never regret for the rest of my life. I don't care if we ever have to end up not speak to each other again, I prefer it that way, because that is the only way to keep myself at peace.

Dad,
I'm aware Islam does not teach us to cut someone from our lives, no matter how wrong he/she treated us. But I'm neither saint nor someone with a heart like Mother Theresa or Gandhi, Dad. I'm just an ordinary human being who is so traumatised and haunted with your wife's wrong doings.
I have never asked you to divorce her, haven't I? So, please don't ask me to trade my belief and pride, only to please your wife or to save your face in front of your friends.

Don't you remember that it was her who indirectly pushed me to jump over the cliff? I have no intention to make things right, because I believe I did no wrong to her, so I have nothing to feel sorry for.

Let me tell you one thing, if your wife sincerely wanted me to come home, she would've done it sooner. Even though she asks thousands forgiveness from me, I will never forget what she did to me. There's no way things would get back to the way it used to be. From that day onwards, I'd only see her as your partner; therefore she won't have the privilege as well as luxury to take any role in my life.

It isn't my vengeance, it isn't my punishment. It's the consequence she has to deal with.

There you go dearest friends and family who are busy to sniff around or have already been told with a false truth.
I don’t ask any of you to stick by my side, but I would greatly appreciate if you could keep your own assumption or judgment for yourself.

‘Nuff said

23rd!!

Hi! It's been quite some time ^-

I just recently celebrated my 23rd birthday! Thank God for the wonderful people who donated their love, effort and making the celebration an intimate one.

I found this year's celebration generated different feeling. It was indeed a lovable night out.
Not that I was feel unhappy; but since I hardly spent any of my birthdays with my family, hence it felt a bit blah without my besties =p

As far as I could remember, I'm normally the type of person who gets all excited with my birthday planning. Even if it is still months away, I'd carefully plan what to wear, where to have the dinner and start to picking up names I'm going to invite for the party.

However, unlike the previous years, I was kind of lose the hype for those things. I bet this is the side effect of getting old.

For the first time, I didn't really care about the party. All I wanted was to spend my special day with my beloved ones.

I was thinking to treat Dad and my boyfriend with fancy dinner at decent restaurant. Then out of nowhere, Mom asked me to come to Bandung and took Papa Zul, Nafa, Kak Rio and his wife as well. She also tried her best to arrange a surprise dinner for me.

Thank you Mom for arranging everything for me. I am glad because this ocassion helps me to re-connect our attachment.

impending updates

Yuhuuuu… I’m back!! 

As always, it really feels great… I think this is the only place where I could trash around about what I truly feel, without being hesitant or ashamed. If any of you ever got offended with one of my entries, then please throw away your anger and remind yourself that everyone has been blessed with so called freedom of speech.

I really miss blogging… I wish I could write less personal stuff, while more focusing on the general, day to day or even informative issues. But after all, I am no good when it comes to that kind of writing.

I always had these massive ideas on what to write for my blog, sadly… my brain kept on reverting to its blank mode whenever I tried to pour them out. So yea, it does take quite an effort to regularly post updates.

Seriously, when I was decided to set up this blog, I initially assumed that it would be an easy thing to be committed with.

Apparently, the whole commitment idea is really not my cup of tea.

So, what’s up with me?
I have a lot things going on in my life at the moment, thankfully… everything start to work out pretty well for me. I am so proud to see that I finally able to stand up for my own sake. Moving out of house my dad’s house might be not the wisest decision which I ever made, however, I was being smart enough to let myself out, right before I lost my true-self and my own sanity.

Four months ago was the hardest moment in my life. The pain I went through was much worse than my parents’ divorce. I rather chose to be beaten to death rather than to be tormented with all of those harsh and yet false accusations from my step mother. She mocked my job, she accused me having an affair with my boss and not only that, she even cursed me that I will get pregnant in few months!! When I came to apologise, all she said was that I deserve to be treated that by her.

At that moment, I realised that all my efforts were only a waste. Regardless of how hard I try to show her my respect and love, in the end… I am not more than a property for her. Thank you for taking away the idea that one day you will treat me properly. Now, hear me out, THE HELL WITH YOU DAMN WOMAN!!

Please do not judge me people… You guys are in no position to make any judgment regarding my decisions, either to move out from that house or whatever fight I would pick up with her. You have no idea how painful the misery she has caused me.

Honestly, I do not know how long it will take to forgive her. Will the day ever come, anyway? Somehow I believe that she is pleased not to have me around. Oh come on… she never contacted me at all, I bet she is having a great time (i.e. taking a full control over my dad).

Parents can do wrong things, however, be it your blood parents or your step/adoptive parents, as long as they love you dearly and care for you earnestly, then they would never accuse their children with shameful accusations.

a life to live and enjoy

I know I'm strong, BUT even superman has the right to bleed.. so do I

I may be not the world's greatest daughter. BUT at least I never stop trying to make up for my slackings.

It is real hard to be your daughter, my dear parents..
You (almost) have no tolerance to mistakes and failures.

I've been spending my ENTIRE life living in fear for my own inadequacies, chasing an elusive definition of 'enough'. Am I good enough as a daughter? Have I done enough for my parents, given them enough service? Were they pleased enough with my efforts?

Up until today, I keep trying to find these answers in how my actions and decisions are evaluated by them. Finally, with thread and through 'stitches', I realise that I would never be able to satisfy my parents' ego..

To some extent, I believe they actually understand their children's misery. However, their own ego and pride have beaten up their sanity really badly =)

While my sanity is still intact, I will start looking inward, exploring myself, searching for personal and spiritual truths. Because the ultimate truth is that 'enough' is always with me so long as I keep chasing it.

I'm sorry parents BUT I also have a life to live and enjoy!

dear Father

I love you very much Father. Not because -I wouldn't be born if it weren't for you-or -thanks for your financial support-. I love you because the way you are. I stand right beside you because I yearn for your attention and affection.
I always try my best to make you happy and proud. I even prioritize your feeling on top of others, including my Mother.

Forgive me Father..
It turned out that it requires a heart as hard as stone to continue living in your house.
I had enough!! ENOUGH...

I don't want to be your soccer ball anymore, Father. It's getting really tiring and frustrating at this point for me. You only come to my side whenever you got into fight with Bunda. After things back to normal, you're pushing me away. Don't you realize that Father?

Last night's incident proved my insignificant presence in that house.
I'm your daughter, not one of your sub-ordinates. I'm not your employee, hence don't treat me like the way you treated them. I was at fault for not informing you earlier about my difficulty to print out your file, but did you really need to shout and curse me? I tried to make up this mistake by went to internet cafe to have a pro printed them out for me. It turned out that she's as clueless as me, so I chose a ridiculous way to do that, i.e. by stapling the two pages together horizontally. I got home at 10.30PM with empty stomache and directly handed those papers to you, only to be mocked by you?

No Father..
I don't need your -thank you- greetings. I was rather expecting you to say "Here's my daughter! How's your day? Are you tired?" It was just as simple as that.

Instead, you went on and on with these lines:
"This what you got when you didn't do my order."
"There's no point, your effort is meaningless. How would you expect me to understand these stupid papers?"
"I know you can't be trusted"

Oh my...
Even though you might did it out of fun, still it hurts me.

This is it,
This entry shall mark my turning point,
Nuff' said.

weekend part 1

What a tiring and busy weekend... and for the first time, since I started my job, my stamina is suddenly drop =( I came late this morning, just to make sure that I was strong enough for doing some errands at the office. I'm not a workaholic but I really don't think that by staying at home would make me feel better. I would feel anxious and end up watch DVDs.

Perhaps the reason I'm getting sick is because I had TOO much buffet yesterday =D *lol* Oh Yes... I had 'free' buffet for my lunch and dinner. The one I had for lunch was my boss's treat. Well, it wasn't exactly a treat, it was merely a compensation of our handworks for yesterday's exhibition yesterday at Sultan Hotel. The food wasn't that great but at least it was fulfilling. AHA !!

The event itself was indeed a success and everyone praised me for performing well in promoting Queensland's education. Geez... how dare those people comparing Queensland with Perth and Adelaide!? *grrrrr*
Dear Mr. Tony Mitchener,
Seriously, you have a very challenging task in creating a hype about Queensland to the rest of Indonesian!

I better stop with two-cents.

Ok, let's get back to my buffet talks in the later post.

the good and the bad

“It is essential to keep myself (and my mind, in particular) occupied all the time. So that I wouldn’t drown in the sea of frustration” That is another thing I learned after 8 months of living under the same roof with my stepmother. I’ve been living in a hell for more than 200 days, or should I say in a world filled with her constant nagging, her unstable emotional state, her greediness in controlling others, and her ‘over protective’ actions. Frankly speaking, she’s surely doing a very good job in jeopardizing my life.

Why do things have to be done according to her will? Why can’t I, at least, make my own decisions? Seriously, can’t she just let me on my own!? I’m not asking anything fancy or complicated from her, because all I want is my freedom. A simple –yet vital- liberty such as:
* spending time with my mother
* wearing my favorite clothes
* taking any courses which would enhance my skills (e.g. graphic design)
* going out with anyone I’m comfortable with (regardless their ethnicity & background)
* etc.
Is it really a difficult wish to be granted?

Oh well, it’s her nature… I have decided that I won’t go against her; and since life is mostly about good or bad acts, hence, I’ll just continue playing my role as a good and sane step daughter. Not to deceive her or to earn her attention, but to avoid further misfortunes in my life and in the family. God dislikes those who have enemies, so why bother to have one!? Yes… I’m aware how spiteful she can be, however, she’s still my father’s wife.

One thing she definitely wants to bear in mind…
I’m not like my sassy but rebel brothers. I have a bittersweet childhood; thereby I’m a lot stronger than what she can think of. I don’t need her love or her affection, I have my father on my side, there are my mother who’s very supportive and plenty close friends who care enough about me. So yeah… let’s respect the boundary that I have arranged specially for you.

the untold

Once upon a time,
*lives a woman called Fray... it's been a long time since she separated from her husband. however, it seems that she couldn't forgive her ex-husband for having a happy life. she also hates him for taking her children away from her. now, she's full of hatred and anger...
*meanwhile, at another place, there are two brothers who only care about themselves. the oldest one is married with one daughter, he's still a student without a job. his brother is addicted to gambling and women. leading such a pitiful life.. whenever things did not go according to their wishes, all they can do is blaming their father.
*people of -once so glorious- nation.. are suspecting each other. the executives blame their people for being so impatient and demanding. the people also blame their executives for being so greedy.

Why do we have to blame others for our failures, for types of person we've became, and for the hardships that we have to go through in our lifes..

To be happy and success, this decision is up to us. We have ultimate power to determine our destiny whereas other people around us just a compliment.

So, everyone.. let's have some time to ask ourselves and to reflect on our mistakes.. it isn't too late for us to learn to put more respect for others.

dear mother

Murka-kah engkau padaku Ibu !?
hingga tiada kabar kudengar darimu

Terluka-kah engkau karenaku Ibu !?
hingga tak ingin tahu akan diriku lagi

Sakit-kah hatimu Ibu !?
hingga maafku tak jua cukup mengobati dirimu

Maafkanlah aku Ibu.. Ampunilah aku Ibu..
Mungkin memang nakda yang bersalah,
Mungkin nakda tidaklah lebih dari seorang anak tak berbakti,

Demi Allah, nakda tidak pernah ingin menyakiti Ibu.
Tiadalah sanggup nakda melakukannya.
Karena sakit Ibu adalah sakit nakda..
Karena nakda sangatlah menyayangimu.....

A very simple yet thougtful "poem" I made for my Mom. She's angry at me and our stubborness making it hard for us to reconcile ! but still.. I LOVE YOU mother :)