1st love letter to my daughter

To my daughter,

Rania Tsabita Azzahra, where do I begin?

You have changed my life in the absolute best way possible.

Because of you, I am a mother.
Because of you, I know the deepest meaning of love.
Because of you, my heart fills with only with love and joy.

It is very amazing, satisfying and proud to see your growth over the past year.
From sleeping away the day snuggled in my arms to climbing on me as if I'm a jungle gym.
From being a baby girl to being considered a little girl.
From rolling your body around the bed to crawling to every corner, then now struggling to walk on your own.
From communicating only with your cries to randomly mumbling.

Your smiles, your laughs, your smell are things which drive me crazy about you. I can never get enough with you, my daughter. I can't even stand being apart from you more than 30mins.

Again and again, thank you very much for being born, for giving us happiness, nak. You are my special girl, I am so proud to be your mother.

Happy 1st birthday, my precious daughter.

look, it's 2013 !

2013 surely came in a rather quiet way. It's been raining very hard not long after the New Year's Eve celebration. I don't love rainy days as it associates with a pair of ruined shoes, a water-soaked dress and heavy traffic. However, I do believe every drop of the rain means everything for other people. Just like how the wisemen always said 'rain brings good fortune'.

I started the year by.. not having any kind of celebration, instead I went to bed early in the midst of fireworks. Everyone kind of pitied me for missing the moment, but hey, I favor to treat every other day as a new year to keep myself motivated.

So what's my resolution in 2013?

As always, to be a better daughter for my parents, a (slightly) nicer sister toward my siblings, a wiser boss for my employees. Also, hopefully a good wife and a decent in-law for his family.

joyeux anniversaire Maman!

Joyeux Anniversaire Maman! / Happy Birthday Mom!

As always, I wish you a life which fills with good health, happiness, warmth ad wisdom. May Allah SWT never fails to provide you with all the most-possible best things in life.


Regardless our on-and-off relationship, I love and adore you, Mom. You inspired in a lot of ways. You are the toughest and smartest woman I ever know, both physically and mentally.

You spend most of your life, struggling to show the world that a woman is actually a super woman who can also excel at many things. Though your dedication to work costs you the relationship with your children, yet you stick to your belief. As I grow older, I personally don't resent you for doing so..

I just hope to be given a chance, where I can take care of you and where you an start to lean on me and my siblings. 'Till then, I'll always watch your back and be ready to catch you whenever you need and want me too.

I love you.
Je t'aime, tojours...

nothing lasts forever

"Nothing lasts forever" is so true.

I always foolishly believed that my friendship with Ima is one of the kind, the one which will survive through thick and skin. 13 years of friendship and now that she's ready to embark new phase of life, marriage life, I realised.. I'm starting to lose a grip on her :(

Marriage.. what is it you have against me!? why does it seem that you're taking away my bestfriends!?? I barely digest the fact how distant I am right now with the others after their marriages, yet, you're trying to snatch what I have with Ima??? Please don't do it, she's my other half, she's the sister that I'm dying to have.

Sometimes.. Islam with its so-called rules is irritating. Well, maybe it's due to my lack of knowledge of a true Moslem. It surprised me that once you're married, everything you do needs an approval from your husband, even when you want to have your 'me-time' at the salon ! Going out without your husband's permission is considered as a huge sin. *heavy sigh*

According to my aunt, that might be the reason of the growing distance between me and my married bestfriends.

"But who are you to complaint, Nis? A bestfriend doesn't demand, she understands. She gives advices, not an order"


One simple statement which enough to bring me back to the ground. 'Nuff said.

how's me in 2012

Here we go.. we are slowly crawling toward the end of the year 2012.

I ain't getting less busy, I have less quality time with my social cliques, however I managed to bond a stronger and deeper connection with my loved and closest ones, it surprisingly exceeds what I could've possibly imagined.

Challenges at workplace are even more demanding than before, however it's amazing to see where I am right now. Within two-years time, I'm learning MASSIVE knowledge from the experts (which I'm still thirst for many more  in the near future), I'm getting better in handling all the issues at work. It is obvious at the same time, all the struggles have slowly turned me into a cold-hearted and calculated bitch who you wish you will never have to deal with. But hey, I'm running a business, I can't afford to let my sentiment overrules my business rationale.

Having my boyfriend as my business partner is not an easy call too yet I'm extremely very grateful to have him. Without his support, I would've probably given up the entrepreneur path due to my rebel and laissez-faire attitudes. Seriously, I think my father and him deserve the most credit for the growth of our businesses. Yes, there were times where our relationship hit the worst note because of our great differences in everything, however, once we get our senses back, we're getting stronger.. either us a couple or as a business partner.

In fact, we are currently preparing ourselves for the next stage, i.e. the lifetime commitment !! Since both of us want to do everything with our very own money and sweats, therefore as you read this post, please kindly send us your best wishes and prayer:)

2013 please come sooner ! *hint*

addicted to work or dedicated to work?

Wow it's October already !? 

Heck, this means I wouldn't be able to catch a breath from work from this month onward, well.. at least for another two months.

Me, myself, is having a pretty decent life lately. I guess that's the luxury of working together with my loved ones -huge differences aside-. Though I did encounter a great deal of trust issue with my very bestfriend/my partner not long ago, thankfully I managed to take preventive actions and treat that issue as valuable experience, instead of dwelling myself in the sea of frustration. 

Unlike Sun Education, which is currently in hiatus mode thanks to my constant absence from the office (another reminder that I GOTTA FIND A STAFF, ASAP !!!), Mayasa is alhamdulillah, doing very well. Three big-bucks projects from Kak Abul's friend and an upcoming launch of our very own real estate, all of them are due to complete within this month . So yeah, welcome my24/7 working hours 

Being this busy sounds awful to some people, even to our family members, but we're enjoying every second of it. I honestly never feel so alive, deadline doesn't terrified me. Strangely, my days feel away more meaningful with the adrenaline rush.

I don't mind people judgements of me being a workaholic or being overly dedicated to my works, because to me, keeping a busy and meaningful life is another way to live up life to the fullest :)

here they come, butterflies :)

"Create new memories, to let go painful ones. Find another source of happiness, to replace the misery". Thank you for showing me these, kak..

Ever since I found myself gradually attracted to you, I hardly have any flashback from my bittersweet memories. I even did not bother anymore to check out his twitter and facebook accounts. Finally, after months of moving-on struggles, that genuine butterflies feeling is coming back !!

And the fact that we're dating, really... I couldn't ask for more.
It isn't about how good you treat me but the quality of our relationship, the way we balance dunia dan akhirat thingy. I love you more and more everytime you remind me and ask me to do the prayer together.

Yes kak... I'm falling head over the heels. Let's make this feeling and happiness last yak :)

commitment

"I want to change" will lose its true meaning once you failed to put those words into action by the minute you said it.

I feel.. cheated.
As a sister, I may do not have the right to be upset, but I can totally relate my Dad's disappointment over my older brothers' attitudes. It has not been 24 hours since our so called heart-to-heart discussion last night, yet they failed to show their better version efforts.

I was really hoping that somehow I can motivate them, help them to wake up from their long-sleep. Now.. I feel like giving up already.

How I want them to act like a proper older brother, for once. If it can't be in day-to-day issue, at least please let them be the people I turn to whenever this business responsibilities hits a rough patch. I hate the idea of monitoring, nagging them, as if I'm trying to show off my upper hand. But if I stop being annoying and dictating sister, then who will be there to remind them with their commitments !? Who else can bridge their communications with Dad !?? On the other hand, I can't keep go back and forth, assuring Dad that giving them the second chance isn't a mistake while I don't have enough faith if such thing can happen anytime soon.

I'm torn.. seeing how they always come up with one disappointment after another.
It's killing me.. to witness how Dad's hope and expectations keep falling into pieces.

Ya Allah SWT, please kindly give me enough strength to pull up this family together, to bring goodness which is long buried in my older brothers' inner hearts, to provide alternative comfort and pride for my parents so they don't dwell themselves in self-blaming over the failures of their sons.

Amin...

already gone

That long awaited peace has finally came few weeks ago. Out of sudden, there's no more pain, not even a sting. Not only that, I managed to encourage him to have more faith and confidence in his long distance relationship with his current girlfriend (or future wife, like the way he refers her). 

Now, I can look back and laugh at the memories. It got me wonder though, how could I fall for that immature, heartless, overly-dramatic jerk? Oh well, who could blame the feeling? He wasn't that bad, so far that was the best relationship I had (3 months of great start, 6 months later were crap :p). 

It really took lots of efforts, time (7 freaking wasted months) and 2 failed relationships (possibly rebound-purpose only) to get here. So it feels amazingly awesome !! 

Well done Nis, shall we buy IPhone 4 and Onyx as a reward!? :)  

life is wonderful

Alhamdulillah I feel so blessed... I don't know what did I do to be deserved such enormous blessings from You, but I really am so thankful Ya Allah. Kindly guide me to stay humble, to always keep my feet on the ground, to keep stay just the way I already am. Let me be a better Moslem who knows how to be grateful and to look after those blessings in my best manner.

What I have right now, they're all come from You, things which You could always take from me at any given time. I don't want to let myself grow addicted to this comfortable life, won't let those luxuries get the best of me. What's the use of having that kind of life if it turns me blind !?

I'm feeling so inspired lately, my nights and days are filled with new dreams, goals and ambitions. So, here I go again, Masya Allah.. thank You very much Ya Allah...

better in time

My last night in Manchester. Yes, I've been spending these past two weeks in England. I was here for a familiarisation trip from one of the institutions in here, then decided to do a little bit of sightseeing for the second week. It's a rare chance, so I gotta make the most out of it :)

This trip is like a dream that finally come true. For those who know me really well, are very aware that I have a very huge obsession with the country. I dream to study here, well. it almost happened, but I was blinded by love back then, didn't have the courage to leave my ex boyfriend behind. No regret though because I was pretty resolute with my decision. I could tell how disappointed my father was, yet he could not force me to go.

On the bright side, I kinda feel far more satisfied and have this feeling of privilege when I told people that I came to UK for business reason :) *LOL

Anyway, I'm having an incredibly great time in here and feeling terribly reluctant to leave but I can't ditch my business for selfish reason, can I? Gosh.. I'm freaking out just by imagining the workloads which need to be done once I'm home (T_T) Gotta welcoming back my 12 hours a day and 7 days a week routine.

Come on Nis, your so called self-funded Omra plan is waiting !! Give me YOUR blessing Ya Allah... I really want to go to Mecca and Madinah again, it has to be this year (and more to come in the near future).

Almost half-way through 2011, it was quite a downturn journey in the beginning but I'm very proud to reach state that I'm currently in right now. Alhamdulillah, I've never been this content with my life. Though there is a sting whenever I recall how I don't have someone special to share every huge step I managed to make, but hey... I trust that my guy is on his way to find me.

a love that I can't carry anymore

After two-weeks of hectic schedule, flew in and out, traveled from one city to another... it feels really good to finally be back home. Though if my visa application is granted, it means I'd be out of the country again in few days, still.. it never occurred to me that Makassar would able to give a home-sweet-home feeling.

Anyway, that isn't the main point of my post. I was SUPPOSED to share a number of very cool and inspiring quotes I got from Brothers & Sisters series (gosh, this damn series never failed to make me cry a river).

Without any further delay, here are the quotes:

"All our lives.. we grow by giving up things, by loss and moving on. Big things, little ones. How we handle those loses really defines who we are."

"The thing about one that got away.. if he was meant to be in your life, then he would have found his way back to you. So you moved on, you chose a different road. Good. Keep your eyes on that. If you're always looking at the rearview mirror, you're gonna miss the turn you have to make in the road ahead of you. And believe me, there's always plenty of road ahead of you. Focus on that."

Therefore, here I am, my dear God, please kindly grant me the serenity to accept things that I can't change, the courage to change things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference...

-I'm starting to think that I almost there, just a little bit more time and efforts. Amin.-

fragile

'Cause everybody knows that nobody really knows how to make it work or how to ease the hurt..

That's why,

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get 'there', even it means to be disregarded; mocked and underestimated by you.

People might see my action as a childish, immature or coward act. But, the hell with their judgements, come on... why would I need to act to be okay when I'm not? As if they wouldn't do the same :) 

Though your so called new romance brings me lots of pain, but I still wish you the best. It adds up another reason to get myself out from 'stuck in a moment' days.

rise and fall

"People come and go in our lives. Some stay, others go away and will be back eventually, while the rest leave and that will be the end of it."

One interesting question aroused from the above statement is, when it comes to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, what would happen after you guys broke up? 

Me, myself, I always try to remain friends with all of my exes. In fact, a few of them turned out to be my good friends until this very minute. 

 

The very first time I desperately wanted someone to stay away from my life was that crazy ex boyfriend of mine. Out of hatred and anger, I cut him off, gave him no opportunity to move an inch closer to me. A year later, I made a peace, we can finally be civil to each other. 

However, after weighing all the pros and cons, it looks like that I have to make that same move again. As for today onwards, I come to a conclusion whereby I want nothing to do with those two guys -the ones who shared the same bloodline- anymore. 

It bothers (and obviously, hurts) me a lot everytime I remembered how two generations succeed to mess up with my life, be it intentionally or not. 

Neither I do it to satisfy my grudge for them nor to mend my broken pride. I simply don't want them to appear in the next chapter in my life, because it will only remind me with my 'if only it never happened' scenario. 

Once you're walking out, there's no turning back and don't you dare to think so. The heck with the pain, suck it, that's life.

A bit bitter, huh? But it's for the better :)

facing the ghosts

Those uninvited memories, those -how he publicly expressed things he never did to me- thoughts, those -why did I let two guys from the same bloodline broke my heart- feeling are KILLING me. 

I feel so miserable inside, though I always put up a strong facade. I, myself, found my infatuation feeling toward my past is troublesome and tiring, that was why I stopped talking about it to anyone. It's a shame that I don't want others to see and I can't let myself to get 'the woman who can't moved on' label.

 

"Forgive your past. That would help you to have peace with everything."

This is the very first and last thing I tell to myself every day, one of the wishes which I mention everytime I do my -five times a day- prayer. 

Yes, I'm praying that lame and pathetic thing EVERY SINGLE DAY !! I seek my dearly beloved God's help to put the end to my post-breaking up struggle. I kneel before God, asking for more strength, because I'm starting to run out of breathe.

I can't carry on living like this and I shouldn't anyway. I have a bright future ahead, the dysfunctional yet loving family, wonderful friends to hold me in my ups & downs, and of course, the right one who awaits for me to look at his direction.

"It's really okay to look back, Nis. Just not to often and get emotionally engaged. Trust in God's plan, your every failed relationship will only bring you closer to him, the right one. So, hold strong your weapon, win the battle and get the peace you deserve. Be chilled, you'll breathe again, soon enough."

Look who's talking and things she just said to herself?!!

Now I feel motivated :)

i failed (again)

another failure, another proof of my incompetence. three god-damn heartbreaks in six months, this is it.. I'm done for romance.

all we'd ever need

A very motivational conversation with Cassy the other day:

"I think no matter what, even in the future we will still look back and think about our previous relationship. It's not about wanting to get back together though, that's what everyone always thinks when we hit one of those sad moments. I guess everytime we enter a new relationship, we are vulnerable to someone and it's like that person takes a chunk of our heart. It's normal I guess, to feel hung up. Keep walking forward, look forward and let the past just be the past. There's a reason why things didn't work out - sometimes we have to remind ourselves of those reasons. And then learn from our mistakes and move on to better stuff! It always gets better; it has to."

Thank you beb, you always know to put me at ease. You're right, things are getting better at my end :)

inconvenient truth

"People change. They end up have nothing to say to each other, even they're best friends the year before"

Quoted from a movie called Tape.

 I've been knocking on your door lately, my dearest friend. But they're all went unanswered. I tried to reach out to you yet you didn't respond. As much as I wanted to hate you, cut you out of my life, I'm still hoping you'd come around.

After 11 years of friendship, I honestly never thought we would come this far. My one and only question is what did I do so wrong to be treated this way?

Then I came across to the above quote,that's when I realised that it was you who have changed. Perhaps you do no longer value this friendship, the way you used to be. I don't blame you for that though because I know you have other priorities in life. 

So I decided to leave you alone, take care.

(love) letter

the truth is, we're so lucky to finally found each other :)

i know the road ahead us is getting tough-er than ever, especially for you. But hey, don't question me or us, because even though my pride won't admit it in person, you have all my support and heart.

so, go focus on things that need to be prioritised, i'll always be right there for you. whenever you're feeling tired, turn to me and lean yourself on me,  i'll be ready to welcome you with my stupid yet getting-on-your-nerve jokes and (a little) pampering treatment with (a little) love.

just like how you make it real for me, i want to you to feel the same about me.

the fight

'BANG !!'
That was the sound I heard  from the door behind me. Quite loud and harsh, it got me stood up for a little while. Then there was a fight between the-past-me and the-present-me, between the unwillingness to let go and the determination to move the fuck on.

Finally, the sanity won the fight, brought me to the conclusion, just like the sound of closing door, I  should do the same with those uninvited memories. After all everyone has memories, be it good or bad. Cherish the good ones and throw away the bad ones, not let myself drown into it, that way we can have peace with ourselves.

Cassy was right, it isn't about the duration of how fast you moved on over one disappointment in your life, instead, see it as a learning process of letting go things that you aren't supposed to have.

Ahh I miss you, beb.. It is so hard to catch up with each other these days, don't let the distance drift our friendship apart, ok !?