1st love letter to my daughter

To my daughter,

Rania Tsabita Azzahra, where do I begin?

You have changed my life in the absolute best way possible.

Because of you, I am a mother.
Because of you, I know the deepest meaning of love.
Because of you, my heart fills with only with love and joy.

It is very amazing, satisfying and proud to see your growth over the past year.
From sleeping away the day snuggled in my arms to climbing on me as if I'm a jungle gym.
From being a baby girl to being considered a little girl.
From rolling your body around the bed to crawling to every corner, then now struggling to walk on your own.
From communicating only with your cries to randomly mumbling.

Your smiles, your laughs, your smell are things which drive me crazy about you. I can never get enough with you, my daughter. I can't even stand being apart from you more than 30mins.

Again and again, thank you very much for being born, for giving us happiness, nak. You are my special girl, I am so proud to be your mother.

Happy 1st birthday, my precious daughter.

someone for everyone

There's a famous saying: "a successful marriage life requires falling in love many times, always with the same person". Alhamdulillah.. I think it happens to my marriage life.

Yes, it is too early to call mine as the successful one. However, I am so happy, proud and grateful because me and my husband have succeed getting through our first year of marriage. In fact, we love, care and respect each other more than before. It really wasn't an easy year with our businesses slowing down, the never-ending family issues, hence accelerated the tension between us. I gotta give most credits to my husband for his incredible level of patience and understanding.

Nowadays, everytime I wake up, I will look at his sleeping face and I can feel that I am falling in love more and more with him. Thank you for always trying to bring out the best of me. You are unbelievable, even my parents and my family couldn't stand me the way you do. Subhanallah.. Alhamdulillah Ya Allah for marrying me with the right person.

I can't believe I am actually gonna say this but for those who still single, please do get married as soon as possible. Don't wait for the right one, as there is no such thing as the one. Look for someone who is willing to make things right and work out for both of you, look for someone who loves and accepts you unconditionally. Good-looking, romantic, wealth, sexy are just the added bonus however don't let those overshadow your judgement. Don't mess someone's relationship, karma does exist to bite your ass. Trust me, there is someone for everyone :)

With a baby which will due in December this year, I really am the happiest wife!!

how's me in 2012

Here we go.. we are slowly crawling toward the end of the year 2012.

I ain't getting less busy, I have less quality time with my social cliques, however I managed to bond a stronger and deeper connection with my loved and closest ones, it surprisingly exceeds what I could've possibly imagined.

Challenges at workplace are even more demanding than before, however it's amazing to see where I am right now. Within two-years time, I'm learning MASSIVE knowledge from the experts (which I'm still thirst for many more  in the near future), I'm getting better in handling all the issues at work. It is obvious at the same time, all the struggles have slowly turned me into a cold-hearted and calculated bitch who you wish you will never have to deal with. But hey, I'm running a business, I can't afford to let my sentiment overrules my business rationale.

Having my boyfriend as my business partner is not an easy call too yet I'm extremely very grateful to have him. Without his support, I would've probably given up the entrepreneur path due to my rebel and laissez-faire attitudes. Seriously, I think my father and him deserve the most credit for the growth of our businesses. Yes, there were times where our relationship hit the worst note because of our great differences in everything, however, once we get our senses back, we're getting stronger.. either us a couple or as a business partner.

In fact, we are currently preparing ourselves for the next stage, i.e. the lifetime commitment !! Since both of us want to do everything with our very own money and sweats, therefore as you read this post, please kindly send us your best wishes and prayer:)

2013 please come sooner ! *hint*

here they come, butterflies :)

"Create new memories, to let go painful ones. Find another source of happiness, to replace the misery". Thank you for showing me these, kak..

Ever since I found myself gradually attracted to you, I hardly have any flashback from my bittersweet memories. I even did not bother anymore to check out his twitter and facebook accounts. Finally, after months of moving-on struggles, that genuine butterflies feeling is coming back !!

And the fact that we're dating, really... I couldn't ask for more.
It isn't about how good you treat me but the quality of our relationship, the way we balance dunia dan akhirat thingy. I love you more and more everytime you remind me and ask me to do the prayer together.

Yes kak... I'm falling head over the heels. Let's make this feeling and happiness last yak :)

already gone

That long awaited peace has finally came few weeks ago. Out of sudden, there's no more pain, not even a sting. Not only that, I managed to encourage him to have more faith and confidence in his long distance relationship with his current girlfriend (or future wife, like the way he refers her). 

Now, I can look back and laugh at the memories. It got me wonder though, how could I fall for that immature, heartless, overly-dramatic jerk? Oh well, who could blame the feeling? He wasn't that bad, so far that was the best relationship I had (3 months of great start, 6 months later were crap :p). 

It really took lots of efforts, time (7 freaking wasted months) and 2 failed relationships (possibly rebound-purpose only) to get here. So it feels amazingly awesome !! 

Well done Nis, shall we buy IPhone 4 and Onyx as a reward!? :)  

compromise position

Do men feel intimidated with self-sufficient women?

Is it a sin for a woman to have and to pursue such a big and ambitious dream?

What is so wrong about a single woman who prioritising her work rather than spending time with her boyfriend?

Well, I personally think, men nowadays are feeling more and more threatened with women. Perhaps, they're afraid of losing control over their women!?

Men.. need to assure themselves that they're in charge of everything (or at least most of the things). That's why, they aren't that thrill if their women have better career paths than theirs. The egocentric maniac ones are going to make their women choose between career or relationship. 

In marriage life, I gotta agree that even a very successful woman should know how to put her family first. But the funny thing is, when it happens in a dating relationship ! For the love of God, why would a woman have to abandon her future out of love??

The reason for women to work their asses off are for the future that relationship too. So guys, why don't you let your women chase their own dreams?!

Be supportive, don't be a nagging boyfriend (besides, nagging is a woman's job)

Be understanding when she has no time for you because of the demands of her work

Be thankful with the limited time she has for you, at least she's making the effort to squeeze you into her hectic schedule. It's all about compromising each other's position :)

"A good relationship shouldn't be measured by the amount of time you spend together, instead, it should be measured by the quality of each of your dates."

a love that I can't carry anymore

After two-weeks of hectic schedule, flew in and out, traveled from one city to another... it feels really good to finally be back home. Though if my visa application is granted, it means I'd be out of the country again in few days, still.. it never occurred to me that Makassar would able to give a home-sweet-home feeling.

Anyway, that isn't the main point of my post. I was SUPPOSED to share a number of very cool and inspiring quotes I got from Brothers & Sisters series (gosh, this damn series never failed to make me cry a river).

Without any further delay, here are the quotes:

"All our lives.. we grow by giving up things, by loss and moving on. Big things, little ones. How we handle those loses really defines who we are."

"The thing about one that got away.. if he was meant to be in your life, then he would have found his way back to you. So you moved on, you chose a different road. Good. Keep your eyes on that. If you're always looking at the rearview mirror, you're gonna miss the turn you have to make in the road ahead of you. And believe me, there's always plenty of road ahead of you. Focus on that."

Therefore, here I am, my dear God, please kindly grant me the serenity to accept things that I can't change, the courage to change things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference...

-I'm starting to think that I almost there, just a little bit more time and efforts. Amin.-

fragile

'Cause everybody knows that nobody really knows how to make it work or how to ease the hurt..

That's why,

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get 'there', even it means to be disregarded; mocked and underestimated by you.

People might see my action as a childish, immature or coward act. But, the hell with their judgements, come on... why would I need to act to be okay when I'm not? As if they wouldn't do the same :) 

Though your so called new romance brings me lots of pain, but I still wish you the best. It adds up another reason to get myself out from 'stuck in a moment' days.

rise and fall

"People come and go in our lives. Some stay, others go away and will be back eventually, while the rest leave and that will be the end of it."

One interesting question aroused from the above statement is, when it comes to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, what would happen after you guys broke up? 

Me, myself, I always try to remain friends with all of my exes. In fact, a few of them turned out to be my good friends until this very minute. 

 

The very first time I desperately wanted someone to stay away from my life was that crazy ex boyfriend of mine. Out of hatred and anger, I cut him off, gave him no opportunity to move an inch closer to me. A year later, I made a peace, we can finally be civil to each other. 

However, after weighing all the pros and cons, it looks like that I have to make that same move again. As for today onwards, I come to a conclusion whereby I want nothing to do with those two guys -the ones who shared the same bloodline- anymore. 

It bothers (and obviously, hurts) me a lot everytime I remembered how two generations succeed to mess up with my life, be it intentionally or not. 

Neither I do it to satisfy my grudge for them nor to mend my broken pride. I simply don't want them to appear in the next chapter in my life, because it will only remind me with my 'if only it never happened' scenario. 

Once you're walking out, there's no turning back and don't you dare to think so. The heck with the pain, suck it, that's life.

A bit bitter, huh? But it's for the better :)

facing the ghosts

Those uninvited memories, those -how he publicly expressed things he never did to me- thoughts, those -why did I let two guys from the same bloodline broke my heart- feeling are KILLING me. 

I feel so miserable inside, though I always put up a strong facade. I, myself, found my infatuation feeling toward my past is troublesome and tiring, that was why I stopped talking about it to anyone. It's a shame that I don't want others to see and I can't let myself to get 'the woman who can't moved on' label.

 

"Forgive your past. That would help you to have peace with everything."

This is the very first and last thing I tell to myself every day, one of the wishes which I mention everytime I do my -five times a day- prayer. 

Yes, I'm praying that lame and pathetic thing EVERY SINGLE DAY !! I seek my dearly beloved God's help to put the end to my post-breaking up struggle. I kneel before God, asking for more strength, because I'm starting to run out of breathe.

I can't carry on living like this and I shouldn't anyway. I have a bright future ahead, the dysfunctional yet loving family, wonderful friends to hold me in my ups & downs, and of course, the right one who awaits for me to look at his direction.

"It's really okay to look back, Nis. Just not to often and get emotionally engaged. Trust in God's plan, your every failed relationship will only bring you closer to him, the right one. So, hold strong your weapon, win the battle and get the peace you deserve. Be chilled, you'll breathe again, soon enough."

Look who's talking and things she just said to herself?!!

Now I feel motivated :)

i failed (again)

another failure, another proof of my incompetence. three god-damn heartbreaks in six months, this is it.. I'm done for romance.

all we'd ever need

A very motivational conversation with Cassy the other day:

"I think no matter what, even in the future we will still look back and think about our previous relationship. It's not about wanting to get back together though, that's what everyone always thinks when we hit one of those sad moments. I guess everytime we enter a new relationship, we are vulnerable to someone and it's like that person takes a chunk of our heart. It's normal I guess, to feel hung up. Keep walking forward, look forward and let the past just be the past. There's a reason why things didn't work out - sometimes we have to remind ourselves of those reasons. And then learn from our mistakes and move on to better stuff! It always gets better; it has to."

Thank you beb, you always know to put me at ease. You're right, things are getting better at my end :)

inconvenient truth

"People change. They end up have nothing to say to each other, even they're best friends the year before"

Quoted from a movie called Tape.

 I've been knocking on your door lately, my dearest friend. But they're all went unanswered. I tried to reach out to you yet you didn't respond. As much as I wanted to hate you, cut you out of my life, I'm still hoping you'd come around.

After 11 years of friendship, I honestly never thought we would come this far. My one and only question is what did I do so wrong to be treated this way?

Then I came across to the above quote,that's when I realised that it was you who have changed. Perhaps you do no longer value this friendship, the way you used to be. I don't blame you for that though because I know you have other priorities in life. 

So I decided to leave you alone, take care.

(love) letter

the truth is, we're so lucky to finally found each other :)

i know the road ahead us is getting tough-er than ever, especially for you. But hey, don't question me or us, because even though my pride won't admit it in person, you have all my support and heart.

so, go focus on things that need to be prioritised, i'll always be right there for you. whenever you're feeling tired, turn to me and lean yourself on me,  i'll be ready to welcome you with my stupid yet getting-on-your-nerve jokes and (a little) pampering treatment with (a little) love.

just like how you make it real for me, i want to you to feel the same about me.

the fight

'BANG !!'
That was the sound I heard  from the door behind me. Quite loud and harsh, it got me stood up for a little while. Then there was a fight between the-past-me and the-present-me, between the unwillingness to let go and the determination to move the fuck on.

Finally, the sanity won the fight, brought me to the conclusion, just like the sound of closing door, I  should do the same with those uninvited memories. After all everyone has memories, be it good or bad. Cherish the good ones and throw away the bad ones, not let myself drown into it, that way we can have peace with ourselves.

Cassy was right, it isn't about the duration of how fast you moved on over one disappointment in your life, instead, see it as a learning process of letting go things that you aren't supposed to have.

Ahh I miss you, beb.. It is so hard to catch up with each other these days, don't let the distance drift our friendship apart, ok !?

the right one or the right relationship?

For someone who has dated *cough* a number of guys (not that I'm proud of), one thing I learned for sure is that there is no such thing as "finding the right one".

I trust most of us have been poisoned with the idea of Mr.Right/Prince Charming because of those repeated fairy tales which our parents fed us back when we were just a girl. As a result, this idea is kept safely in our minds and as we grew older, there we were, out for the Mr. Right's hunt.

 
Some girls who ended up overly obsessed with the concept, will be throwing themselves into a never-ending mission of locating their 'right guy'. Moving from one guy to another while using 'I-don't think he's the one' classic line as their defense.

But then one day, they finally come to the most confusing conclusion ever, how can they tell if the guy is right for them??


Oh well, perhaps the best answer is that, be it Mr. Right or not, it is ultimately up to us who make the decision. We are the one who choose which guy is going to be your Mr. Right.

I do really think that a relationship shouldn't always evolve around 'is he the right one' myth. Instead, we have to start to see a relationship as a process how to MAKE us are right for each other. So, why bother to seek for Mr. Right if in fact we can stick to what we already have and give some effort to turn it into the right relationship?

We're all know that nobody's perfect. Therefore, Mr. Right's hunt will only lead us in disappointment because no one can ever meet our criterion of 'the right one'.

What makes 'trying to be right for each other' slightly a better idea is because this kind of determination will bring the best out of us. Because we sincerely want us to be right for our partner, we truly want our partner to be right for us, and we want the right relationship. With that sincere intention, I believe both us and our partners will strive to make everything work.

From what I've learned, the right relationship should be healthy and allow us to have a two-way communication. As the relationship is matured, we grow together with it.
It shouldn't be about what's best for you or him but it supposed to be what's best for both of you.

So, let's we all get real =) 


Phew, such a heavy topic, these are all just my personal opinion though. I guess my previous and current relationships inspired me the most to write these stuffs. Oh yes, I'm a happy note ^_^

weekend madness

I had a great weekend, it really was a blast! I can't remember the last time I had so much fun like yesterday.. But I am so thankful that I finally got the chance to relieve all the stress, anger, depression, self-accusation, frustration, etc. I feel a lot better now...


I was supposed to go out with my Indo Brisbane's friends on Saturday night. However, when I went to downstairs, I fell down quite badly. No serious injury though, I'm just having some pains with my upper left arm and my back.
Anyway, because I was too shock and obviously was in great pain, I kind of lost the mood to go out, hence I decided to stay home.

It was a tough night to get through.. I couldn't help but to feel miserable. I never like the idea of being sick and doing nothing, especially when I'm still unable to get over my post-break up syndrome.
Thanks to wonderful and awesome people around me, this is my first week without any tears and no more 'blaming myself' moments:)

Keep it up, Nis...

On Sunday, I went out for a dimsum brunch with my colleagues. I've been craving to have a proper yumcha session ever since I got back in Jakarta, just when I can no longer hold myself, my friend saved me!!
We ate a lot, like there's no tomorrow.. We kept on ordering, even though most of us already gave up. We stayed for almost 3 hours...

Hell, it was a pretty damn good deal. It costs us less than AUD 10 per person to have the dimsum buffet at a hotel!? Crazy... this is what I love the most about Indonesia!!

After the lunch, we had a two-hours karaoke session, and guess what... we went wild, seriously wild =D
Below are some sneak peak from the karaoke:

Oh yeah, I was out of control... but very worthed! Would love to do that again, guys!!!

i aced the first step

I finally managed to talk about my big plans to my bosses. Surprisingly, they are very welcome with those ideas. It was quite hard to spill out the plans at first, but without too much effort, I managed to convince them. Thank you Ko, for being so supportive with my decision, I promise to prove you that I can keep my words.

Let's get moving, Nis!! Be positive, be highly motivated, be optimistic and stay cool. *dancing and rolling on the floor*


-I really wish you were the very first person to learn this good news of mine. But apparently, we've been missing out these kind of moments right?! I don't feel connected with you anymore, I'm no longer happy too. Slowly but sure, I'm learning to let you go.- .

midnight's rants

Dear God,

Please give me enough strength so I can proudly stand up on my own, not because I'm somebody's daughter/friend/girlfriend, but simply because what I'm actually capable of.

The new path, which I'm about to choose, is going to be my ultimate turning point. I'll devote myself dearly into it and I won't spare any room for emotional breakdown. I've been putting my life on hold all these times, hence I want to make up for it.

So, God.. please give me Your Blessings.

As for the other you, I'm getting tired here. Perhaps, it's only a matter of time until I'm giving up on trying, for good.

I won't give up now, however, I don't want to put us or you on my priority list anymore.

Again God, I'm going to need Your Support in this.

All the best Nis!!

R.I.P grandma

I know I should have let you go by now, grandma. But the thoughts of not being able to see your warm smiles, to hug your vulnerable body or to have those lovely chats with you are killing me =(

I'm going to miss you very badly, grandma.. I will always love you!!

Dear God,
Please take a very good care of my grandma.