R.I.P grandma

I know I should have let you go by now, grandma. But the thoughts of not being able to see your warm smiles, to hug your vulnerable body or to have those lovely chats with you are killing me =(

I'm going to miss you very badly, grandma.. I will always love you!!

Dear God,
Please take a very good care of my grandma.

daughter to mother

My mother may not the world's greatest mother and heck... I don't need her to be one. Because no matter what people say about her or what the world against her, I still love and care about her.

Please stay healthy and live a long life, mother..
Please give me more time to make up for all of my slacks and wrong doings.

I love you heaps, mother. Happy Mother's Day!

false truth

Wow, it has been months since my last post. I didn't ditch this blog on purpose, it just that I kind of lose my desire to write. But, here I am, finally back (:

This morning, I wake up with uneasy feeling.
I don't clearly understand what got into me, but somehow, I feel so piss off with my Dad’s wife. Few minutes later, I realised that last year, on the same date, I decided to move out from my Dad's house.

I'm really proud I can go this far to fight for my independence and let myself free from the insanity which almost drove me crazy.
However, I can't help but to feel dissatisfied that I had to pay this freedom with 'ungrateful child' label.

At first, I didn't give a shit of what people thought about me and my action, because I was so hurt back then. I spent months to recover from anger, frustration, and self-identity crisis. But recently, I'm starting to feel pain in the ass everytime someone is asking whether I'd come home or not.
Still feeling as hurtful as before, I only reply that I'm not thinking to go back in the near future. These people started to throw me their tantrums, they kept on telling me that I shouldn't be so stubborn, I should've came first and asked for apology.

For the love of God, I can assure you guys that, if you ever have to experience the same thing as me, you would either end up as a murder or spend the rest of your life in mental hospital.
So please... if you don't know a thing of what I have been through, please don't make such spiteful judgments. It isn’t fair at all, because I'm the one who is being honest with my own feeling, while my Dad and his wife are too busy to deceive everyone. Believe me, they are the greatest actors I ever known!!

Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad very much. However, he is blinded with his love toward his wife. I'm not trying to against his great love, but I just want him to spare me from his wife's unstable emotion and lack of self-control.
I'm so done with her, I don't want any of her harsh words and treatments anymore. I had enough of them already.

I used to care about her. Seriously, my affections to her was sincere, even after those physical abuses I frequently received during my childhood (which include some slaps on the face, smacks on the head or against the wall, a broomstick, a belt), I still favored her feeling prior my own mother's. But what did I get in return?
* Accusations of having affair with my boss, a hidden pregnancy
* Severe treatments such 'you deserve no meals in this house'
* Fact that I was nearly failed to attend my graduation day because she torn my airplane ticket and sabotaged my luggage
That night, right at the very moment when she said horrible things about me, I finally understand that she never think of me as her child.

I was devastated inside-out, I cried all night. Thankfully, I have wonderful boyfriend and friends who held me up. My Dad was at home, witnessing the whole incident, unfortunately he did nothing. I didn't blame him though, perhaps he wanted to avoid further conflict with his wife.

By the next morning, I became resolute with my decision, i.e. to get myself out from that house ASAP. I do no longer want a love and hate relationship with my Dad’s wife, I'm sick to put her feeling above everything, I'm fucking tired of her demanding and dictating attitudes!!!

I'm very certain that it was a decision I will never regret for the rest of my life. I don't care if we ever have to end up not speak to each other again, I prefer it that way, because that is the only way to keep myself at peace.

Dad,
I'm aware Islam does not teach us to cut someone from our lives, no matter how wrong he/she treated us. But I'm neither saint nor someone with a heart like Mother Theresa or Gandhi, Dad. I'm just an ordinary human being who is so traumatised and haunted with your wife's wrong doings.
I have never asked you to divorce her, haven't I? So, please don't ask me to trade my belief and pride, only to please your wife or to save your face in front of your friends.

Don't you remember that it was her who indirectly pushed me to jump over the cliff? I have no intention to make things right, because I believe I did no wrong to her, so I have nothing to feel sorry for.

Let me tell you one thing, if your wife sincerely wanted me to come home, she would've done it sooner. Even though she asks thousands forgiveness from me, I will never forget what she did to me. There's no way things would get back to the way it used to be. From that day onwards, I'd only see her as your partner; therefore she won't have the privilege as well as luxury to take any role in my life.

It isn't my vengeance, it isn't my punishment. It's the consequence she has to deal with.

There you go dearest friends and family who are busy to sniff around or have already been told with a false truth.
I don’t ask any of you to stick by my side, but I would greatly appreciate if you could keep your own assumption or judgment for yourself.

‘Nuff said