a life to live and enjoy

I know I'm strong, BUT even superman has the right to bleed.. so do I

I may be not the world's greatest daughter. BUT at least I never stop trying to make up for my slackings.

It is real hard to be your daughter, my dear parents..
You (almost) have no tolerance to mistakes and failures.

I've been spending my ENTIRE life living in fear for my own inadequacies, chasing an elusive definition of 'enough'. Am I good enough as a daughter? Have I done enough for my parents, given them enough service? Were they pleased enough with my efforts?

Up until today, I keep trying to find these answers in how my actions and decisions are evaluated by them. Finally, with thread and through 'stitches', I realise that I would never be able to satisfy my parents' ego..

To some extent, I believe they actually understand their children's misery. However, their own ego and pride have beaten up their sanity really badly =)

While my sanity is still intact, I will start looking inward, exploring myself, searching for personal and spiritual truths. Because the ultimate truth is that 'enough' is always with me so long as I keep chasing it.

I'm sorry parents BUT I also have a life to live and enjoy!

Things Change (And Apparently So Do People)

What’s up with the sudden change?

What did I do so wrong which made me deserve to be treated this way by you?
It never occurred that you’re capable of doing such horrible deeds to anyone.

Really, I wish you could’ve picked a nicer way to abandon everything.
You don’t have to leave that abruptly and I don’t have to feel hurt with those cold treatments of you.

Regardless the unjustifiable pain, I do still care about you well-being.

In this life, you are expected to bump into countless hardships. Losing the ones whom you care dearly is one of the many trials which one should be able to go through. No matter how your heart aching with their departure…sometimes, you simply have no ultimate power to alter something that is meant to be happened.

When it happens, you just have to let go the whole thing, that way…you can carry on your life and live it to the fullest.

So, from this day forward, I’ll throw away these bad memories for good and only spare the good ones in store.

Will Aris win Indonesian Idol 2008?

I'm rooting for ARIS to become this year's Indonesian Idol. He's always been my favorite to win since audition week. I never voted for anyone except him.


This guy is the most deserving contestant to win the title. Yes, he might have some flaws both in his attitudes and in his singing technique, but I personally adore his gritty style and his voice. Every song he sings, belongs to him. He sings them with true soul that blends perfectly with his charismatic charm.

Gisel, although she has a good voice, she always sounds the same. While with Aris, there was always this element of surprise and diversity, i.e. "Tak Bisa Ke Lain Hati" or "Berartinya Dirimu". Besides, I believe Aris is the only Indonesian Idol in history who could actually generate crowd (see picture) and interact with them on stage. You guys gotta watch his final performance , it's LEGENDARY!!

3 more days until the Result Show, so what are you waiting for? Grab your mobile immediately and type ARIS, send it to 9288.

it's all about timing

Is there such thing as 'the one'?
Is there really only one person you can be happy with?
Just because two people are interested in each other.. does it mean that they will end up together?

Some thought that occurred to me early this morning; I realized that love is not about me wanting him, or him wanting me.

Now more than ever, I’m convinced that “love” is a matter of timing. We can meet the right person anytime soon, however, if its the wrong time or the wrong place, nothing will happen. Like everything has its own time to become something, love needs the 'right timing' to be made.

dear Father

I love you very much Father. Not because -I wouldn't be born if it weren't for you-or -thanks for your financial support-. I love you because the way you are. I stand right beside you because I yearn for your attention and affection.
I always try my best to make you happy and proud. I even prioritize your feeling on top of others, including my Mother.

Forgive me Father..
It turned out that it requires a heart as hard as stone to continue living in your house.
I had enough!! ENOUGH...

I don't want to be your soccer ball anymore, Father. It's getting really tiring and frustrating at this point for me. You only come to my side whenever you got into fight with Bunda. After things back to normal, you're pushing me away. Don't you realize that Father?

Last night's incident proved my insignificant presence in that house.
I'm your daughter, not one of your sub-ordinates. I'm not your employee, hence don't treat me like the way you treated them. I was at fault for not informing you earlier about my difficulty to print out your file, but did you really need to shout and curse me? I tried to make up this mistake by went to internet cafe to have a pro printed them out for me. It turned out that she's as clueless as me, so I chose a ridiculous way to do that, i.e. by stapling the two pages together horizontally. I got home at 10.30PM with empty stomache and directly handed those papers to you, only to be mocked by you?

No Father..
I don't need your -thank you- greetings. I was rather expecting you to say "Here's my daughter! How's your day? Are you tired?" It was just as simple as that.

Instead, you went on and on with these lines:
"This what you got when you didn't do my order."
"There's no point, your effort is meaningless. How would you expect me to understand these stupid papers?"
"I know you can't be trusted"

Oh my...
Even though you might did it out of fun, still it hurts me.

This is it,
This entry shall mark my turning point,
Nuff' said.

childhood memories

I envy those who could actually remember how happy his/her childhood was. So, at the end of the day, these people would have heaps of interesting stories to be passed onto their children, or grand children, etc.

"When I was little..." has always been my favorite sentence. Whenever I hear anyone say that one sentence, I’ll put my hair behind my ears and listen attentively even though, maybe, it’s the same story for the one-hundredth time.

My parents are very good storytellers, with tons of hillarious stories to share. Mom with her trouble maker attitudes, yes.. in her big family, she was widely known for her afternoon 'physical training' with the boys. Everyone kept on telling me how wild she was. Not only that, she loved to play tricks with her teachers. I couldn't imagine how on earth would one be able to ring the school's bell (before class ended) or to make use of his teachers' love letters in exchange for her tardiness. Thankfully, she still managed to score well in her studies.

My dad stories was rather inspiring, he hard a life. My grandfather was a soldier with 8 kids. To ease his dad's financial burden, my dad chose to live with his aunts and tried to earn money on his own at a very young age. In one day, you would find him selling kerosene from one village to another, if he didn't earn any money, he then went to the rice field, helped the owner to plant or to harvest. He wouldn't go back until he have some money to be given for his aunts and his siblings. What makes me amaze is that such situation didn't prevent him to quit his school. Instead, he used it as a motivation to strive the best. He didn't care what others say about his broken shoes or his torn clothes, because what matter to him is his family.

Reflecting on their experiences, I wonder what sort of things should I tell to my children. I had very vague memories of my childhood, especially after my parents' divorce. It seemed like, I had block a certain period of my life unconsciously. All I could recall are I was a bit of tomboy (got into fight ocassionally), I didn't have many close friends (they mocked my parents' divorce behind my back), I wasn't a bright student (I was so... dumb!!), I hated arts lesson the most, I couldn't sleep by myself until the age of 12. What else?
OK, this is funny.. I always have a crush on my teacher!! HAHAHA....

Pheww...
Now, my heart is filled with jealousy towards my parents, but in a good way. I wish to have a lot more to say about my childhood. Some story which could make my children feel the same way as I do with my parents. Gosh, I better find a way which could bring my memories back =)

I think I have a crush

This is kind of embarassing to post, but the hell with it =p After months of hiatus, I finally have a new crush =) I've known him for quite some time, somehow grew closer to him.

He has nearly all of the qualities I desire in a guy, smart, fun to be with (very fun to be with), we share similar interests and his strenghts in some areas compliment me very well. Even so, I'm still not head over heels for him. I'd like to wait, to see how things turn out. Oh dear God... thank you for bringing another refreshment into my life.

p.s.: I'm off to Makassar this friday, for my brother's wedding party. Can't wait to catch up with my girls =D

Smallville without Lex Luthor

I'm a huge fan of Smallville series. I have never missed one single episode of the series. The show might have some weaknesses, however, it never failed to satisfy me. I love Smallville to bits and pieces!!

Unlike others, my favorite character in the show has always been Lex Luthor (played by Michael Rosenbaum). I couldn't figure out anyone better than him to potray such complex character. His amazing portrayal of Lex Luthor has been a joy to watch from the first season. Yes... he is that good, because in reality he has wildly different personalities. While Lex is a more serious character, Michael is indeed a playful one. Those who have seen him off-air or his Smallville bloopers would definitely board on the same boat with me =)

Anyway, I heard that he will no longer appear as a regular in the show! I haven't seen the rest of the season 7 episodes yet, hence I have no idea how sucks the season finale was. But really... to have Smallville without either "Lex Luthor" or Michael Rosenbaum, what are they giving us!?? Are they freakin kidding me!?

Well...
Thank you, Michael, for making Smallville one of the reasons to keep watching, and for making me fall in love with your rendition. Only you could've provided that, smart-alecky, yet sweet character.

Best of luck in your future endeavors. I'll be looking out for your works.

wednesday afternoon

I had a minor car accident yesterday =( I knocked over someone's car.. It happened very fast. I couldn't even understand why did I drive so carelessly. I didn't only damage someone else's car, but also mine!! Oh my....

a very late birthday entry

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF !!!

Thanks for all the birthday greetings and wishes which I have received.

Although my birthday this year wasn't as great as last year, but I had a good time =)

when a virginity is no longer a big deal

I was supposed to post this weeks ago! I got caught up in my works and never had enough time to complete the whole thing. Gee, it felt like that I have to swallow back my food when I actually wanted to throw everything out!! Well, regardless the yucky-ness,ok!? =)

That day; just like any other day; I drove by myself to the office. Driving in Jakarta is rather frustrating, I often found myself scream because of the uneducated behaviors of most Jakarta drivers. And our poor infrastructure makes everything much more worse than they already are. Really, I wonder why Jakarta still have some pride left to call itself as the capital city of Indonesia. As much as I love being an Indonesian citizen, Jakarta is no longer a health place to live in. But I'm no different with my other fellows, this city gives me a good pay.

OK... that wasn't the thing which I wanted to share today.

So, the only thing which could calm me down is by listening to the radio. I don't normally listen to any random radio though. Frankly, I found that most of the anchors are boring and their discussion topics were just so blah. However, that day was different!

I loved the topic which was discussed. While others were busy promoting 'go-green' thingy [Oh my, isn't it too late to seek for a redemption? Stop talking and pretending to be smart dudes, because a real action is what we really need right now!!], Ari Dagink and Desta [possibly the most hilarious and awesome anchors] were talking about free s*x!!!

At first, I was wondering how they are going to encourage the audience to participate in the discussion. Most people, including myself, feel uncomfortable to discuss it openly. It's rather taboo indeed. Well, this obviously contradicts with the latest (2005) fact which stated that more than 40% of the teenagers' population in Indonesia who already had 'that' and caught up in free s*x phenomenon. WOW... what happened to our so called eastern values!? Or, shall we agree that those values were never existed!??

Anyway, both anchors did a pretty good job in generating responses. Some of them shared their experiences via SMS and few others shared through a live-conversation. I admire their guts, however, I couldn't help but to feel pity toward them, particularly the girls. From the incoming responses, it can be concluded that most of them regretted their action.

Girls... you know that having s*x before marriage never do any good thing to you, then why did you commit yourself to the worst form of hedonism lifestyle [i.e. free s*x]?? Everybody makes a mistake, yes... nobody is that perfect! The most important thing is how to put things right, in the other words, not to make the same foolish mistake. From my [and perhaps, others] perspective, being no longer a virgin is shameful; however; these people surely deserve for a second chance!! So, girls... why bother to spend the rest of your life by blaming yourself!??

I'm not against free s*x but I'm not its supporter neither. I spent 3 years abroad and still... it wasn't adequate to convince me into accepting such lifestyle. Well, it is more understandable when those involved are Caucasian, it is part of who they are anyway.

So, girls… no matter how desperate you are for a happily ever-after ending, do not lose control over yourself. Well, unless you are all prepared to handle the consequences with or without someone by your side then you are definitely going to be fine. If you are not so sure how you are going to cope up with all that, taking preventive action for yourself is the right thing to do. We are only a human being; all guys are just like us. It is hard to grasp their thoughts, besides… their hearts are unpredictable. There is no guarantee that we are going to marry the guy whom we have our 'first time' with, isn’t there!? Therefore, why would we give away our dearest thing for uncertainty!??

Oh dear… I understand that I’m in no position to judge anyone. But hey… everyone has a say! I detest those who could not bear responsibility of their own action. I despise those who proclaim ‘love’ in the name of their libidos. But, I do admire those who are bold enough to come out of their closet and to give themselves another chance for a new beginning. Really… why free s*x!?? There are plenty ways to make this life more enjoyable.

reminiscence

When I opened that box, it was like a ‘journey’ of finding my old-self. How to put it into the right sentence… Hmm… I was so myself back then. I didn’t have to pretend, things were done according to my will, there was no ‘hide and seek’ or ‘deceiving one another’ games like what I have been doing for a while now. Not that I’m complaining my current life, it’s just that I missed my peaceful old days in the land down under.

The abovementioned box is where I kept my precious stuff (such cards, photos, gifts) which I brought along with me since I left Brisbane for good… Ever since then, I have never opened it. I wasn’t ready for the whole ‘emotional breakdown’ thing. My whole 3 years in Brisbane was definitely the best and happiest moment in my life. I learned tons of valuable lessons, I found my other family, and not only that… I got to know bunch of great friends! Yes… the city taught me how to be truly happy and how to live my life to the fullest.

My life at the moment is far from what you called ‘feeling content’… There’s either something wrong with me or the world that I’m currently living in. What makes it worse is that I’m too afraid to get myself out from my ‘comfort zone’ (i.e. so called comfortable world). In the other words, I have no guts to fight for the kind of future that I always wanted to have. It’s only been 9 months since I left, yet… I almost forgot what kind of person I used to be. My self-confidence, my happy-go-lucky attitude, they all have been stolen away.

Don’t get me wrong, but the whole idea for this entry isn’t for blaming anyone else for whatever happened to me. It is merely a mean to express my feeling. I chose this kind of life. And I dare to swear that I didn’t regret that decision, well… after all every decision always comes with a price right!? By saying ‘price’ it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up though, because soon… I’m going to find my way back.

Love for Kang Ji Hwan

I'm back to the office ! I took a day off from work yesterday. I was terribly sick, I got this massive headache along with mild fever. If only I had enough strength, I'd rather chose to be in the office. Despite the fact where I was able to finish reading Kite Runner and watching Homicide Investigation Team on the same day, I didn't thoroughly enjoyed my off.

Well, excuse my random mumbling =)

Do any of you agree with me that this guy is cute?
credit tosoompi

His name is Kang Ji Hwan, recognised as another Korean rising actor (I applaud those who can actually remember the exact number of actors in Korea). Anyway, KJH is currently staring in Hong Gil Dong. I've read tons of positive reviews about this fusion-saeguk drama, that's why I look forward to watch this. For HGD episode recap, go to Dramabeans

Back to my KJH, you should watch him in Capital Scandal. He's awesome there and girls, we get to see his sexy bu*t. When I said sexy, it's for real ! Have you seen Brad Pitt's in TROY? Well, regardless the naked-scene, KJH's bu*t is as FINE as Pitt's. *lol* This bu*t thingy reminds me with the song which sang by Rachel and Ross for Emma to make her laugh [Remember Friends the series]. Ok... my imagination gets wilder.

Capital Scandal is a very good drama where everything is perfectly executed to the audience. The plot, the casts, the acting, the soundtrack, the dialogue, even the wardrobe are brilliant. IF you are interested, you could take a peek on the review here

weekend part 2

Oh well.. right after the boss diminished us from the task of the day, I was then super-speed myself to the parking lot, yep.. immediately get myself out and headed to Plaza Senayan.

Yesterday was my father's birthday and I haven't bought him anything yet. It's an important event for me, because as far as I can remember, I never got a chance to celebrate his birthday. That's why I deadly wanted his 2008's birthday to be special and memorable for he and me. However, I did not think that getting him a present was a very complicated task. I spent the whole two-weeks to figure it out !! Some thing which suits his taste and meets with my salary.

And I bought him 2 pairs of Pierre Cardin pajamas. Hehehe... It's kind of weird knowing that he has tons of expensive suits while he only has few pajamas in his closet. So, after I got my gift wrapped, I headed to Hotel Mulia to have dinner with Dad and Bunda. Again, I had another buffet for the day ! Oh God, I adore the food, it's tasty as always..

Anyway, during the dinner, Bunda showed me her gift. My Lord... she gave this huge yellow sapphire ring for him ! I was instantly discouraged with my own gift, I started to think how cheap is my gift compared to hers. I was SO sad !! I know my dad won't think that way, but still... I tried to hide my disappoinment (with myself) by focusing on food. I wasn't as talkative as I've always been. I kept eating and eating. Hell... there were A LOT of food !!!

"At least you bought it with your own money, Nisa. The money you earned from your hardwork. You should proud about that"
Having such thought across my mind did cheer me up. Once we reached home, I took the present in my car and walked into my dad's room without any hesitation. He just finished his Isya prayer. I handed in his present and I close my eyes.. afraid seeing his reaction.

Then all of sudden, he hugged me tightly and thanked me for being such a thoughtful daughter. I opened my eyes, only to see tears of happiness in his eyes. He read the card I gave him and spoiled the tearful moment by asking me to translate the card. HAHAHAHAHA... he's really cracking me up.

That only lasted for while though, because he was touched with the content. And there it came again another lovey-dovey scenes between us. He then opened his present, and started to get very excited with his new pajamas. It was cute to see him directly trying it on. He praised me for having a very good taste in choosing the right color, the good fabrique, and even the right size. *kudos to Nisa*

He started to do his own fashion show in front of Bunda and everyone in the house. After everyone got sick of the show, he went back to his room. He took the birthday card and put it inside his bag. He said "I wanted to carry it around with me" Oh Dad... thank you for your great appreciation.

I was then excuse myself to my room, I was too tired and overwhelmed with emotions. I feel content, even until this very minute.

God... really, I'm so thankful to have a dad like him !!!

weekend part 1

What a tiring and busy weekend... and for the first time, since I started my job, my stamina is suddenly drop =( I came late this morning, just to make sure that I was strong enough for doing some errands at the office. I'm not a workaholic but I really don't think that by staying at home would make me feel better. I would feel anxious and end up watch DVDs.

Perhaps the reason I'm getting sick is because I had TOO much buffet yesterday =D *lol* Oh Yes... I had 'free' buffet for my lunch and dinner. The one I had for lunch was my boss's treat. Well, it wasn't exactly a treat, it was merely a compensation of our handworks for yesterday's exhibition yesterday at Sultan Hotel. The food wasn't that great but at least it was fulfilling. AHA !!

The event itself was indeed a success and everyone praised me for performing well in promoting Queensland's education. Geez... how dare those people comparing Queensland with Perth and Adelaide!? *grrrrr*
Dear Mr. Tony Mitchener,
Seriously, you have a very challenging task in creating a hype about Queensland to the rest of Indonesian!

I better stop with two-cents.

Ok, let's get back to my buffet talks in the later post.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today is not the only day to say "I Love you"
Today is not the only chance to be with your LOVED ones
However...
Today is surely a special day to get your loved one's heart all fluttery with love butterflies. So, Happy Valentine's Day everyone !!!

the good and the bad

“It is essential to keep myself (and my mind, in particular) occupied all the time. So that I wouldn’t drown in the sea of frustration” That is another thing I learned after 8 months of living under the same roof with my stepmother. I’ve been living in a hell for more than 200 days, or should I say in a world filled with her constant nagging, her unstable emotional state, her greediness in controlling others, and her ‘over protective’ actions. Frankly speaking, she’s surely doing a very good job in jeopardizing my life.

Why do things have to be done according to her will? Why can’t I, at least, make my own decisions? Seriously, can’t she just let me on my own!? I’m not asking anything fancy or complicated from her, because all I want is my freedom. A simple –yet vital- liberty such as:
* spending time with my mother
* wearing my favorite clothes
* taking any courses which would enhance my skills (e.g. graphic design)
* going out with anyone I’m comfortable with (regardless their ethnicity & background)
* etc.
Is it really a difficult wish to be granted?

Oh well, it’s her nature… I have decided that I won’t go against her; and since life is mostly about good or bad acts, hence, I’ll just continue playing my role as a good and sane step daughter. Not to deceive her or to earn her attention, but to avoid further misfortunes in my life and in the family. God dislikes those who have enemies, so why bother to have one!? Yes… I’m aware how spiteful she can be, however, she’s still my father’s wife.

One thing she definitely wants to bear in mind…
I’m not like my sassy but rebel brothers. I have a bittersweet childhood; thereby I’m a lot stronger than what she can think of. I don’t need her love or her affection, I have my father on my side, there are my mother who’s very supportive and plenty close friends who care enough about me. So yeah… let’s respect the boundary that I have arranged specially for you.

Que Sera, Sera

I’m having a real hard time right now. I fear of being left behind. I despise the idea that some of my close people are starting to walk away from me.

For all these years, I spoil myself with ‘friendship forever’ and ‘sworn brother-sister’ myths. I've always believed those bonds are the only things (other than family, for sure) that would last forever in this world. But apparently, it doesn't work that way. Up until today, I have to give up my precious people over the same thing, particularly the ones I called brothers!! I know their relationships with their girlfriends are important, still, does it necessarily mean that they have to cut off their ties with me!? We might be not blood-related; however I really treasure them as my brothers.

Although I'm as a woman realize that most of the times jealousy kills our sanity, but we just have to do it nicely girls!! We shouldn't go overboard, at least show our jealousy in a way that it would not ruin our dignity. Anyway, it isn't like we do not have that kind of relationship (i.e. ‘brothers’) in our lives, right!?

Que Sera, Sera… I don't intend to put all blames on their women; after all, it was my brothers’ decision to distance themselves from me. I'll treat this matter as part of my learning process to become a good and wise adult.

Huff… Why does the process of being mature have to be this hard? If losing them is one of the trials that would help me to get a better understanding what maturity really is. Then that's fine… Because no matter how hard life hits and no matter how though it gets, one should never give up and I never will . I'm not going to die just because they ‘abandoned’ me.

“What doesn't kill you, make you stronger baby!”
I stand now at an important point in time. A long road lies ahead and a long road lies behind me. The last few years have been an awesome, sometimes epic, and wild ride. I just can't believe it's over. But now, I have a new beginning to create. We'll see how much noise I can make in this rough world.

Welcome 2008

Happy New Year 2008 !! =)

It's too late to say that, huh !?

It has been a busy month, from our new office's Grand Opening to numerous exhibitions. For these past 2 weeks, I have to work 7 days a week. It was tiring and frustrating, but what surprised me more was that I actually found it enjoyable and feel content with everything..

2008,
I have put a lot of thoughts about what I'm going to do in one year time. Obviously, I don't want to be as reckless as I've always been. I need to have thorough plan for my future, so I won't waste more time and chances. Though it takes time, I started to free myself from my parents' eyesight. Not to fight against them, but to show them that life isn't always about what they wanted me to do.

Thanks to my job, now I almost have no time to argue or not to feel happy with them =) I deserve to have a little space from my family, especially from my step mother. I don't want to drown in disappointment towards my her and let my hatred and anger kill my sanity.

I decided to delay my postgraduate study until June. I still need to build my network and master all skills needed for my job first. For the sake of good reference, I have to leave a good impression to my boss and work-mates.

So, happy working Nisa !!