fragile

'Cause everybody knows that nobody really knows how to make it work or how to ease the hurt..

That's why,

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get 'there', even it means to be disregarded; mocked and underestimated by you.

People might see my action as a childish, immature or coward act. But, the hell with their judgements, come on... why would I need to act to be okay when I'm not? As if they wouldn't do the same :) 

Though your so called new romance brings me lots of pain, but I still wish you the best. It adds up another reason to get myself out from 'stuck in a moment' days.

holiday, please !!

I need a holiday, I mean.. like a real holiday where all I do is chill-out and put my lazy ass at rest. No work stuff, no family issues, oh yes... a quality time with myself.

For no reason, my life feels like a plastic bag lately. And by putting the blame to the dullness of my job, Makassar or the people around here, didn't make me feel any better. Perhaps it's just me who -for the gazillion times- forget to feel grateful with my life.

Come on Nis... how can you be happy, content and satisfy with everything if you failed to be grateful with what Allah SWT gave you?!

Now let's level up the mood by pampering myself  with the pretty pictures below

*welcome to my dream land*

sister to brothers

Whenever I'm talking with my older brothers, it feels like that I'm talking to strangers. We always end up arguing, throwing tantrums or feeling disappointed at one another.

It isn't that I don't love or respect them, but everytime I see them or talk to them, all I can think is how they keep on bringing more troubles into the family, even after they have their own family. I just got so fed up with their immature behaviors, their constant demands of their rights, their love-hate relationship with our parents...

Sometimes.. I can't help but to question the sincerity of their love, care and attention toward our parents, especially Papa. Why does the only thing that come out from their mouth is always about money? And why did after they got what they want, they just went away and wouldn't be back until they need more money? Apa Papa ga lebih dari sekedar mesin ATM buat mereka?

Miris banget ngeliat mereka yang kaya gitu, seakan mereka berjalan tanpa arah. Melihat ketergantungan mereka yang tinggi, gw ga sanggup ngebayangin mau jadi apa mereka ketika Papa-Mama ga ada? Harta itu hanya bersifat titipan kak, if you don't know how to struggle in order to earn a petty penny, what would happen to your wives and kids?

We've been spending so much time to be apart, God knows how much I want to make up the times we lost together as siblings. I really wish the five of us can be together again, working next to Papa, being his tandem partners, learning as much as we could from him.

The thought that Papa-Mama are getting older and weaker as time goes by is haunting me. I'm scared.. Do we still have enough time to make them happy? Would they be able to see and take part in our success? Oh dear God, please don't take them away before we are able to make them proud with their kids, Amin Ya Rab. 

So, please stop playing around, because it really is the time to get back to your senses.

the right one or the right relationship?

For someone who has dated *cough* a number of guys (not that I'm proud of), one thing I learned for sure is that there is no such thing as "finding the right one".

I trust most of us have been poisoned with the idea of Mr.Right/Prince Charming because of those repeated fairy tales which our parents fed us back when we were just a girl. As a result, this idea is kept safely in our minds and as we grew older, there we were, out for the Mr. Right's hunt.

 
Some girls who ended up overly obsessed with the concept, will be throwing themselves into a never-ending mission of locating their 'right guy'. Moving from one guy to another while using 'I-don't think he's the one' classic line as their defense.

But then one day, they finally come to the most confusing conclusion ever, how can they tell if the guy is right for them??


Oh well, perhaps the best answer is that, be it Mr. Right or not, it is ultimately up to us who make the decision. We are the one who choose which guy is going to be your Mr. Right.

I do really think that a relationship shouldn't always evolve around 'is he the right one' myth. Instead, we have to start to see a relationship as a process how to MAKE us are right for each other. So, why bother to seek for Mr. Right if in fact we can stick to what we already have and give some effort to turn it into the right relationship?

We're all know that nobody's perfect. Therefore, Mr. Right's hunt will only lead us in disappointment because no one can ever meet our criterion of 'the right one'.

What makes 'trying to be right for each other' slightly a better idea is because this kind of determination will bring the best out of us. Because we sincerely want us to be right for our partner, we truly want our partner to be right for us, and we want the right relationship. With that sincere intention, I believe both us and our partners will strive to make everything work.

From what I've learned, the right relationship should be healthy and allow us to have a two-way communication. As the relationship is matured, we grow together with it.
It shouldn't be about what's best for you or him but it supposed to be what's best for both of you.

So, let's we all get real =) 


Phew, such a heavy topic, these are all just my personal opinion though. I guess my previous and current relationships inspired me the most to write these stuffs. Oh yes, I'm a happy note ^_^

weekend madness

I had a great weekend, it really was a blast! I can't remember the last time I had so much fun like yesterday.. But I am so thankful that I finally got the chance to relieve all the stress, anger, depression, self-accusation, frustration, etc. I feel a lot better now...


I was supposed to go out with my Indo Brisbane's friends on Saturday night. However, when I went to downstairs, I fell down quite badly. No serious injury though, I'm just having some pains with my upper left arm and my back.
Anyway, because I was too shock and obviously was in great pain, I kind of lost the mood to go out, hence I decided to stay home.

It was a tough night to get through.. I couldn't help but to feel miserable. I never like the idea of being sick and doing nothing, especially when I'm still unable to get over my post-break up syndrome.
Thanks to wonderful and awesome people around me, this is my first week without any tears and no more 'blaming myself' moments:)

Keep it up, Nis...

On Sunday, I went out for a dimsum brunch with my colleagues. I've been craving to have a proper yumcha session ever since I got back in Jakarta, just when I can no longer hold myself, my friend saved me!!
We ate a lot, like there's no tomorrow.. We kept on ordering, even though most of us already gave up. We stayed for almost 3 hours...

Hell, it was a pretty damn good deal. It costs us less than AUD 10 per person to have the dimsum buffet at a hotel!? Crazy... this is what I love the most about Indonesia!!

After the lunch, we had a two-hours karaoke session, and guess what... we went wild, seriously wild =D
Below are some sneak peak from the karaoke:

Oh yeah, I was out of control... but very worthed! Would love to do that again, guys!!!

i aced the first step

I finally managed to talk about my big plans to my bosses. Surprisingly, they are very welcome with those ideas. It was quite hard to spill out the plans at first, but without too much effort, I managed to convince them. Thank you Ko, for being so supportive with my decision, I promise to prove you that I can keep my words.

Let's get moving, Nis!! Be positive, be highly motivated, be optimistic and stay cool. *dancing and rolling on the floor*


-I really wish you were the very first person to learn this good news of mine. But apparently, we've been missing out these kind of moments right?! I don't feel connected with you anymore, I'm no longer happy too. Slowly but sure, I'm learning to let you go.- .

midnight's rants

Dear God,

Please give me enough strength so I can proudly stand up on my own, not because I'm somebody's daughter/friend/girlfriend, but simply because what I'm actually capable of.

The new path, which I'm about to choose, is going to be my ultimate turning point. I'll devote myself dearly into it and I won't spare any room for emotional breakdown. I've been putting my life on hold all these times, hence I want to make up for it.

So, God.. please give me Your Blessings.

As for the other you, I'm getting tired here. Perhaps, it's only a matter of time until I'm giving up on trying, for good.

I won't give up now, however, I don't want to put us or you on my priority list anymore.

Again God, I'm going to need Your Support in this.

All the best Nis!!

a (not totally) new beginning

March is only few days away, this means, I seriously need to discuss my big plans with my bosses as soon as possible.

In case anyone is wondering what my plans are really about, let's just wait for another month. I'm not that capable in keeping my mouth shut, but this time, I promise I'll stay low until everything has been finalised.

I'm very excited yet nervous at the same time, because once I chose to go through with those plans, there will be no turning back for me.
So, please send me your best wishes, my dear friends.

Welcome 2010

Happy New Year 2010 everyone! May the new year brings us new hope, spirit and love.

I sincerely hope 2010 could turn out to be a much better year for me and my family.

Please put more smiles on my dad's face and make my mom be more attentive to her kids. Please take a very good care of my brothers and sister as well, especially the older ones. Kindly let them regain their senses.

As for myself, please don't let me do such action which will disappoint my parents.

Dear God.. please protect and bless all of us.

R.I.P grandma

I know I should have let you go by now, grandma. But the thoughts of not being able to see your warm smiles, to hug your vulnerable body or to have those lovely chats with you are killing me =(

I'm going to miss you very badly, grandma.. I will always love you!!

Dear God,
Please take a very good care of my grandma.

impending updates

Yuhuuuu… I’m back!! 

As always, it really feels great… I think this is the only place where I could trash around about what I truly feel, without being hesitant or ashamed. If any of you ever got offended with one of my entries, then please throw away your anger and remind yourself that everyone has been blessed with so called freedom of speech.

I really miss blogging… I wish I could write less personal stuff, while more focusing on the general, day to day or even informative issues. But after all, I am no good when it comes to that kind of writing.

I always had these massive ideas on what to write for my blog, sadly… my brain kept on reverting to its blank mode whenever I tried to pour them out. So yea, it does take quite an effort to regularly post updates.

Seriously, when I was decided to set up this blog, I initially assumed that it would be an easy thing to be committed with.

Apparently, the whole commitment idea is really not my cup of tea.

So, what’s up with me?
I have a lot things going on in my life at the moment, thankfully… everything start to work out pretty well for me. I am so proud to see that I finally able to stand up for my own sake. Moving out of house my dad’s house might be not the wisest decision which I ever made, however, I was being smart enough to let myself out, right before I lost my true-self and my own sanity.

Four months ago was the hardest moment in my life. The pain I went through was much worse than my parents’ divorce. I rather chose to be beaten to death rather than to be tormented with all of those harsh and yet false accusations from my step mother. She mocked my job, she accused me having an affair with my boss and not only that, she even cursed me that I will get pregnant in few months!! When I came to apologise, all she said was that I deserve to be treated that by her.

At that moment, I realised that all my efforts were only a waste. Regardless of how hard I try to show her my respect and love, in the end… I am not more than a property for her. Thank you for taking away the idea that one day you will treat me properly. Now, hear me out, THE HELL WITH YOU DAMN WOMAN!!

Please do not judge me people… You guys are in no position to make any judgment regarding my decisions, either to move out from that house or whatever fight I would pick up with her. You have no idea how painful the misery she has caused me.

Honestly, I do not know how long it will take to forgive her. Will the day ever come, anyway? Somehow I believe that she is pleased not to have me around. Oh come on… she never contacted me at all, I bet she is having a great time (i.e. taking a full control over my dad).

Parents can do wrong things, however, be it your blood parents or your step/adoptive parents, as long as they love you dearly and care for you earnestly, then they would never accuse their children with shameful accusations.

a life to live and enjoy

I know I'm strong, BUT even superman has the right to bleed.. so do I

I may be not the world's greatest daughter. BUT at least I never stop trying to make up for my slackings.

It is real hard to be your daughter, my dear parents..
You (almost) have no tolerance to mistakes and failures.

I've been spending my ENTIRE life living in fear for my own inadequacies, chasing an elusive definition of 'enough'. Am I good enough as a daughter? Have I done enough for my parents, given them enough service? Were they pleased enough with my efforts?

Up until today, I keep trying to find these answers in how my actions and decisions are evaluated by them. Finally, with thread and through 'stitches', I realise that I would never be able to satisfy my parents' ego..

To some extent, I believe they actually understand their children's misery. However, their own ego and pride have beaten up their sanity really badly =)

While my sanity is still intact, I will start looking inward, exploring myself, searching for personal and spiritual truths. Because the ultimate truth is that 'enough' is always with me so long as I keep chasing it.

I'm sorry parents BUT I also have a life to live and enjoy!

Things Change (And Apparently So Do People)

What’s up with the sudden change?

What did I do so wrong which made me deserve to be treated this way by you?
It never occurred that you’re capable of doing such horrible deeds to anyone.

Really, I wish you could’ve picked a nicer way to abandon everything.
You don’t have to leave that abruptly and I don’t have to feel hurt with those cold treatments of you.

Regardless the unjustifiable pain, I do still care about you well-being.

In this life, you are expected to bump into countless hardships. Losing the ones whom you care dearly is one of the many trials which one should be able to go through. No matter how your heart aching with their departure…sometimes, you simply have no ultimate power to alter something that is meant to be happened.

When it happens, you just have to let go the whole thing, that way…you can carry on your life and live it to the fullest.

So, from this day forward, I’ll throw away these bad memories for good and only spare the good ones in store.

dear Father

I love you very much Father. Not because -I wouldn't be born if it weren't for you-or -thanks for your financial support-. I love you because the way you are. I stand right beside you because I yearn for your attention and affection.
I always try my best to make you happy and proud. I even prioritize your feeling on top of others, including my Mother.

Forgive me Father..
It turned out that it requires a heart as hard as stone to continue living in your house.
I had enough!! ENOUGH...

I don't want to be your soccer ball anymore, Father. It's getting really tiring and frustrating at this point for me. You only come to my side whenever you got into fight with Bunda. After things back to normal, you're pushing me away. Don't you realize that Father?

Last night's incident proved my insignificant presence in that house.
I'm your daughter, not one of your sub-ordinates. I'm not your employee, hence don't treat me like the way you treated them. I was at fault for not informing you earlier about my difficulty to print out your file, but did you really need to shout and curse me? I tried to make up this mistake by went to internet cafe to have a pro printed them out for me. It turned out that she's as clueless as me, so I chose a ridiculous way to do that, i.e. by stapling the two pages together horizontally. I got home at 10.30PM with empty stomache and directly handed those papers to you, only to be mocked by you?

No Father..
I don't need your -thank you- greetings. I was rather expecting you to say "Here's my daughter! How's your day? Are you tired?" It was just as simple as that.

Instead, you went on and on with these lines:
"This what you got when you didn't do my order."
"There's no point, your effort is meaningless. How would you expect me to understand these stupid papers?"
"I know you can't be trusted"

Oh my...
Even though you might did it out of fun, still it hurts me.

This is it,
This entry shall mark my turning point,
Nuff' said.

wednesday afternoon

I had a minor car accident yesterday =( I knocked over someone's car.. It happened very fast. I couldn't even understand why did I drive so carelessly. I didn't only damage someone else's car, but also mine!! Oh my....

reminiscence

When I opened that box, it was like a ‘journey’ of finding my old-self. How to put it into the right sentence… Hmm… I was so myself back then. I didn’t have to pretend, things were done according to my will, there was no ‘hide and seek’ or ‘deceiving one another’ games like what I have been doing for a while now. Not that I’m complaining my current life, it’s just that I missed my peaceful old days in the land down under.

The abovementioned box is where I kept my precious stuff (such cards, photos, gifts) which I brought along with me since I left Brisbane for good… Ever since then, I have never opened it. I wasn’t ready for the whole ‘emotional breakdown’ thing. My whole 3 years in Brisbane was definitely the best and happiest moment in my life. I learned tons of valuable lessons, I found my other family, and not only that… I got to know bunch of great friends! Yes… the city taught me how to be truly happy and how to live my life to the fullest.

My life at the moment is far from what you called ‘feeling content’… There’s either something wrong with me or the world that I’m currently living in. What makes it worse is that I’m too afraid to get myself out from my ‘comfort zone’ (i.e. so called comfortable world). In the other words, I have no guts to fight for the kind of future that I always wanted to have. It’s only been 9 months since I left, yet… I almost forgot what kind of person I used to be. My self-confidence, my happy-go-lucky attitude, they all have been stolen away.

Don’t get me wrong, but the whole idea for this entry isn’t for blaming anyone else for whatever happened to me. It is merely a mean to express my feeling. I chose this kind of life. And I dare to swear that I didn’t regret that decision, well… after all every decision always comes with a price right!? By saying ‘price’ it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up though, because soon… I’m going to find my way back.

the good and the bad

“It is essential to keep myself (and my mind, in particular) occupied all the time. So that I wouldn’t drown in the sea of frustration” That is another thing I learned after 8 months of living under the same roof with my stepmother. I’ve been living in a hell for more than 200 days, or should I say in a world filled with her constant nagging, her unstable emotional state, her greediness in controlling others, and her ‘over protective’ actions. Frankly speaking, she’s surely doing a very good job in jeopardizing my life.

Why do things have to be done according to her will? Why can’t I, at least, make my own decisions? Seriously, can’t she just let me on my own!? I’m not asking anything fancy or complicated from her, because all I want is my freedom. A simple –yet vital- liberty such as:
* spending time with my mother
* wearing my favorite clothes
* taking any courses which would enhance my skills (e.g. graphic design)
* going out with anyone I’m comfortable with (regardless their ethnicity & background)
* etc.
Is it really a difficult wish to be granted?

Oh well, it’s her nature… I have decided that I won’t go against her; and since life is mostly about good or bad acts, hence, I’ll just continue playing my role as a good and sane step daughter. Not to deceive her or to earn her attention, but to avoid further misfortunes in my life and in the family. God dislikes those who have enemies, so why bother to have one!? Yes… I’m aware how spiteful she can be, however, she’s still my father’s wife.

One thing she definitely wants to bear in mind…
I’m not like my sassy but rebel brothers. I have a bittersweet childhood; thereby I’m a lot stronger than what she can think of. I don’t need her love or her affection, I have my father on my side, there are my mother who’s very supportive and plenty close friends who care enough about me. So yeah… let’s respect the boundary that I have arranged specially for you.

Que Sera, Sera

I’m having a real hard time right now. I fear of being left behind. I despise the idea that some of my close people are starting to walk away from me.

For all these years, I spoil myself with ‘friendship forever’ and ‘sworn brother-sister’ myths. I've always believed those bonds are the only things (other than family, for sure) that would last forever in this world. But apparently, it doesn't work that way. Up until today, I have to give up my precious people over the same thing, particularly the ones I called brothers!! I know their relationships with their girlfriends are important, still, does it necessarily mean that they have to cut off their ties with me!? We might be not blood-related; however I really treasure them as my brothers.

Although I'm as a woman realize that most of the times jealousy kills our sanity, but we just have to do it nicely girls!! We shouldn't go overboard, at least show our jealousy in a way that it would not ruin our dignity. Anyway, it isn't like we do not have that kind of relationship (i.e. ‘brothers’) in our lives, right!?

Que Sera, Sera… I don't intend to put all blames on their women; after all, it was my brothers’ decision to distance themselves from me. I'll treat this matter as part of my learning process to become a good and wise adult.

Huff… Why does the process of being mature have to be this hard? If losing them is one of the trials that would help me to get a better understanding what maturity really is. Then that's fine… Because no matter how hard life hits and no matter how though it gets, one should never give up and I never will . I'm not going to die just because they ‘abandoned’ me.

“What doesn't kill you, make you stronger baby!”
I stand now at an important point in time. A long road lies ahead and a long road lies behind me. The last few years have been an awesome, sometimes epic, and wild ride. I just can't believe it's over. But now, I have a new beginning to create. We'll see how much noise I can make in this rough world.

a little gift from the past

Harusnya aku tahu,
aku menuai kesia-siaan..
Semestinya tak perlu mempertanyakan lagi.

Saat berjarak.. terasa begitu lekat,
dan ketika di depan mata..
terasa begitu jauh.

Terima kasih.. ada yang tersisa untukmu,
ada yang menggores disini.
Perih.. sepertinya bukan hatiku.
Hanya ego....

Simpan saja untuk cerita kita nanti,
misalnya kita bisa bercerita lagi.

Credit to: Anonymous
Some guy from my past told me this poem, it kinda represented our tragic yet beautiful story.. For those who shared the kind of love we used to have, you'd feel a pain in your heart when you read it wholeheartedly.

a whole new world

I got a Letter of Offer from QUT few days ago, they granted me with half year of an advanced standing, This allows me to complete my Master of Business degree in 2 semester (i.e. 8 months approx.).

I have to admit that it's really a good deal and it did wave my commitment to my job. However, after a 6 months break from university life, this obviously not an easy thing to do. Not only that I have to be patient with the university workloads, but also the fact that I have to hold back my desire to be a career woman !! Daymn.. Life is surely full of surprises.. just when I thought that I'd be a normal salary woman, here it comes another great opportunity... Thank you God, regardless of my 'not a good Moslem' attitude, You still bless me with lots of love and joy.


Recently, due to my newly found activity, I had to 'disappear' for a while from blogging.. My new routine really took most of my energy, both mentally and physically. From Monday to Saturday, I have to wake up at 6am then get myself presentable for work. I usually leave at 8 because the office hours start at 9am to 5pm (though I mostly stayed back untill 6pm). There are lots of things need to be learned, but I'm enjoying it...

New environment, new responsibility... thus making me feel great !! Sadly, this enjoyment wouldn't last long =) I already signed the offer acceptance form. I'll just need to wait for QUT's confirmation of enrollment (CoE) so that I could immediately apply for the Australian visa. Yippyyy.......

-There's always a 'cost' that we have to sacrifice in order to achieve the best we can do. One thing to be noted is how to minimise that 'cost'-