R.I.P grandma

I know I should have let you go by now, grandma. But the thoughts of not being able to see your warm smiles, to hug your vulnerable body or to have those lovely chats with you are killing me =(

I'm going to miss you very badly, grandma.. I will always love you!!

Dear God,
Please take a very good care of my grandma.

daughter to mother

My mother may not the world's greatest mother and heck... I don't need her to be one. Because no matter what people say about her or what the world against her, I still love and care about her.

Please stay healthy and live a long life, mother..
Please give me more time to make up for all of my slacks and wrong doings.

I love you heaps, mother. Happy Mother's Day!

false truth

Wow, it has been months since my last post. I didn't ditch this blog on purpose, it just that I kind of lose my desire to write. But, here I am, finally back (:

This morning, I wake up with uneasy feeling.
I don't clearly understand what got into me, but somehow, I feel so piss off with my Dad’s wife. Few minutes later, I realised that last year, on the same date, I decided to move out from my Dad's house.

I'm really proud I can go this far to fight for my independence and let myself free from the insanity which almost drove me crazy.
However, I can't help but to feel dissatisfied that I had to pay this freedom with 'ungrateful child' label.

At first, I didn't give a shit of what people thought about me and my action, because I was so hurt back then. I spent months to recover from anger, frustration, and self-identity crisis. But recently, I'm starting to feel pain in the ass everytime someone is asking whether I'd come home or not.
Still feeling as hurtful as before, I only reply that I'm not thinking to go back in the near future. These people started to throw me their tantrums, they kept on telling me that I shouldn't be so stubborn, I should've came first and asked for apology.

For the love of God, I can assure you guys that, if you ever have to experience the same thing as me, you would either end up as a murder or spend the rest of your life in mental hospital.
So please... if you don't know a thing of what I have been through, please don't make such spiteful judgments. It isn’t fair at all, because I'm the one who is being honest with my own feeling, while my Dad and his wife are too busy to deceive everyone. Believe me, they are the greatest actors I ever known!!

Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad very much. However, he is blinded with his love toward his wife. I'm not trying to against his great love, but I just want him to spare me from his wife's unstable emotion and lack of self-control.
I'm so done with her, I don't want any of her harsh words and treatments anymore. I had enough of them already.

I used to care about her. Seriously, my affections to her was sincere, even after those physical abuses I frequently received during my childhood (which include some slaps on the face, smacks on the head or against the wall, a broomstick, a belt), I still favored her feeling prior my own mother's. But what did I get in return?
* Accusations of having affair with my boss, a hidden pregnancy
* Severe treatments such 'you deserve no meals in this house'
* Fact that I was nearly failed to attend my graduation day because she torn my airplane ticket and sabotaged my luggage
That night, right at the very moment when she said horrible things about me, I finally understand that she never think of me as her child.

I was devastated inside-out, I cried all night. Thankfully, I have wonderful boyfriend and friends who held me up. My Dad was at home, witnessing the whole incident, unfortunately he did nothing. I didn't blame him though, perhaps he wanted to avoid further conflict with his wife.

By the next morning, I became resolute with my decision, i.e. to get myself out from that house ASAP. I do no longer want a love and hate relationship with my Dad’s wife, I'm sick to put her feeling above everything, I'm fucking tired of her demanding and dictating attitudes!!!

I'm very certain that it was a decision I will never regret for the rest of my life. I don't care if we ever have to end up not speak to each other again, I prefer it that way, because that is the only way to keep myself at peace.

Dad,
I'm aware Islam does not teach us to cut someone from our lives, no matter how wrong he/she treated us. But I'm neither saint nor someone with a heart like Mother Theresa or Gandhi, Dad. I'm just an ordinary human being who is so traumatised and haunted with your wife's wrong doings.
I have never asked you to divorce her, haven't I? So, please don't ask me to trade my belief and pride, only to please your wife or to save your face in front of your friends.

Don't you remember that it was her who indirectly pushed me to jump over the cliff? I have no intention to make things right, because I believe I did no wrong to her, so I have nothing to feel sorry for.

Let me tell you one thing, if your wife sincerely wanted me to come home, she would've done it sooner. Even though she asks thousands forgiveness from me, I will never forget what she did to me. There's no way things would get back to the way it used to be. From that day onwards, I'd only see her as your partner; therefore she won't have the privilege as well as luxury to take any role in my life.

It isn't my vengeance, it isn't my punishment. It's the consequence she has to deal with.

There you go dearest friends and family who are busy to sniff around or have already been told with a false truth.
I don’t ask any of you to stick by my side, but I would greatly appreciate if you could keep your own assumption or judgment for yourself.

‘Nuff said

The Election

I know we are still another a month away until our Presidential Election, but just like five years ago, I truly hope SBY will be the winner =)


I am defnitely not a fan of political stuff, however I do adore SBY. I think he is an undeniably smart and charming figure. I am not sure if it is due to his background as a former military executive, but he surely has this charismatic aura which makes him look surprisingly calm most of the times!

Anyway, I would rather choose to give him another shot to rule this country than to witness the ultimate power controlled by Megawati or JK. No offense for their supporters, I just do not like these two people.


I am actually came from the same hometown as JK, indeed.. he is a good friend of my parents. Still, these facts should not prevent me to pursue what I truly believe, right?

Frankly speaking, I prefer to see JK as a Vice Presiden. I feel uncomfortable having a leader who is really thirst with public attention and appreciation. To me, he is one of the 'look at me' type.
Ah.. not to forget his blunt attitude which is another turn-off for me.

I have always believed both of him and SBY was a match made from heaven. It is really sad to see them part ways.


What about Megawati?
Oh my God, I hate her! I could not imagine what would happen if such ambitious and foolish lady is chosen as the next President. Can YOU please not let that happen, God?

I personally believe that SBY deserves a second chance. At this stage, it is too early to make any judgement whether he has succeeded (or failed) to bring a brighter future towards our beloved country. But compared to the other two candidates, there is no doubt if he wins more favor.
Even Bush needed his second attempt to prove how unfavorable he is to the whole world =D

This post is written purely based on my personal opinion. It is not intended to provoke anyone or any party.
Should you found it offensive, please kindly refer yourself to the 1945 Constitution Verse 28 which clearly states that everyone has a freedom of speech, be it in verbal or written context.

Cheers,
Nisa

23rd!!

Hi! It's been quite some time ^-

I just recently celebrated my 23rd birthday! Thank God for the wonderful people who donated their love, effort and making the celebration an intimate one.

I found this year's celebration generated different feeling. It was indeed a lovable night out.
Not that I was feel unhappy; but since I hardly spent any of my birthdays with my family, hence it felt a bit blah without my besties =p

As far as I could remember, I'm normally the type of person who gets all excited with my birthday planning. Even if it is still months away, I'd carefully plan what to wear, where to have the dinner and start to picking up names I'm going to invite for the party.

However, unlike the previous years, I was kind of lose the hype for those things. I bet this is the side effect of getting old.

For the first time, I didn't really care about the party. All I wanted was to spend my special day with my beloved ones.

I was thinking to treat Dad and my boyfriend with fancy dinner at decent restaurant. Then out of nowhere, Mom asked me to come to Bandung and took Papa Zul, Nafa, Kak Rio and his wife as well. She also tried her best to arrange a surprise dinner for me.

Thank you Mom for arranging everything for me. I am glad because this ocassion helps me to re-connect our attachment.

impending updates

Yuhuuuu… I’m back!! 

As always, it really feels great… I think this is the only place where I could trash around about what I truly feel, without being hesitant or ashamed. If any of you ever got offended with one of my entries, then please throw away your anger and remind yourself that everyone has been blessed with so called freedom of speech.

I really miss blogging… I wish I could write less personal stuff, while more focusing on the general, day to day or even informative issues. But after all, I am no good when it comes to that kind of writing.

I always had these massive ideas on what to write for my blog, sadly… my brain kept on reverting to its blank mode whenever I tried to pour them out. So yea, it does take quite an effort to regularly post updates.

Seriously, when I was decided to set up this blog, I initially assumed that it would be an easy thing to be committed with.

Apparently, the whole commitment idea is really not my cup of tea.

So, what’s up with me?
I have a lot things going on in my life at the moment, thankfully… everything start to work out pretty well for me. I am so proud to see that I finally able to stand up for my own sake. Moving out of house my dad’s house might be not the wisest decision which I ever made, however, I was being smart enough to let myself out, right before I lost my true-self and my own sanity.

Four months ago was the hardest moment in my life. The pain I went through was much worse than my parents’ divorce. I rather chose to be beaten to death rather than to be tormented with all of those harsh and yet false accusations from my step mother. She mocked my job, she accused me having an affair with my boss and not only that, she even cursed me that I will get pregnant in few months!! When I came to apologise, all she said was that I deserve to be treated that by her.

At that moment, I realised that all my efforts were only a waste. Regardless of how hard I try to show her my respect and love, in the end… I am not more than a property for her. Thank you for taking away the idea that one day you will treat me properly. Now, hear me out, THE HELL WITH YOU DAMN WOMAN!!

Please do not judge me people… You guys are in no position to make any judgment regarding my decisions, either to move out from that house or whatever fight I would pick up with her. You have no idea how painful the misery she has caused me.

Honestly, I do not know how long it will take to forgive her. Will the day ever come, anyway? Somehow I believe that she is pleased not to have me around. Oh come on… she never contacted me at all, I bet she is having a great time (i.e. taking a full control over my dad).

Parents can do wrong things, however, be it your blood parents or your step/adoptive parents, as long as they love you dearly and care for you earnestly, then they would never accuse their children with shameful accusations.