rise and fall

"People come and go in our lives. Some stay, others go away and will be back eventually, while the rest leave and that will be the end of it."

One interesting question aroused from the above statement is, when it comes to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, what would happen after you guys broke up? 

Me, myself, I always try to remain friends with all of my exes. In fact, a few of them turned out to be my good friends until this very minute. 

 

The very first time I desperately wanted someone to stay away from my life was that crazy ex boyfriend of mine. Out of hatred and anger, I cut him off, gave him no opportunity to move an inch closer to me. A year later, I made a peace, we can finally be civil to each other. 

However, after weighing all the pros and cons, it looks like that I have to make that same move again. As for today onwards, I come to a conclusion whereby I want nothing to do with those two guys -the ones who shared the same bloodline- anymore. 

It bothers (and obviously, hurts) me a lot everytime I remembered how two generations succeed to mess up with my life, be it intentionally or not. 

Neither I do it to satisfy my grudge for them nor to mend my broken pride. I simply don't want them to appear in the next chapter in my life, because it will only remind me with my 'if only it never happened' scenario. 

Once you're walking out, there's no turning back and don't you dare to think so. The heck with the pain, suck it, that's life.

A bit bitter, huh? But it's for the better :)

facing the ghosts

Those uninvited memories, those -how he publicly expressed things he never did to me- thoughts, those -why did I let two guys from the same bloodline broke my heart- feeling are KILLING me. 

I feel so miserable inside, though I always put up a strong facade. I, myself, found my infatuation feeling toward my past is troublesome and tiring, that was why I stopped talking about it to anyone. It's a shame that I don't want others to see and I can't let myself to get 'the woman who can't moved on' label.

 

"Forgive your past. That would help you to have peace with everything."

This is the very first and last thing I tell to myself every day, one of the wishes which I mention everytime I do my -five times a day- prayer. 

Yes, I'm praying that lame and pathetic thing EVERY SINGLE DAY !! I seek my dearly beloved God's help to put the end to my post-breaking up struggle. I kneel before God, asking for more strength, because I'm starting to run out of breathe.

I can't carry on living like this and I shouldn't anyway. I have a bright future ahead, the dysfunctional yet loving family, wonderful friends to hold me in my ups & downs, and of course, the right one who awaits for me to look at his direction.

"It's really okay to look back, Nis. Just not to often and get emotionally engaged. Trust in God's plan, your every failed relationship will only bring you closer to him, the right one. So, hold strong your weapon, win the battle and get the peace you deserve. Be chilled, you'll breathe again, soon enough."

Look who's talking and things she just said to herself?!!

Now I feel motivated :)

a random thought on love

love is defined in many different ways, it comes in different forms.
the love to God, between parents and their kids, between siblings, between a bunch of very good friends, between lovers, etc.

love is one endless -and sometimes tiresome- journey to be better for each other.

the nature of love, regardless its form, is indeed not selfish. it's about giving wholeheartedly with no expectation in return. love gives you power and strength to do whatever we could to put a smile on our loved one's face. even if that effort costs our own heart.

however, to me, there is no such thing as sacrificing your own  happiness for someone else sake. because in the end, the one whom you are protecting from pain is yourself.

in love, we only have two options, to conquer everything together or to carry the 'losers' tag together.

and here i am, 32 days to my 25th birthday. definitely not a loser, i just have not found my luck in romance yet :)

i failed (again)

another failure, another proof of my incompetence. three god-damn heartbreaks in six months, this is it.. I'm done for romance.

all we'd ever need

A very motivational conversation with Cassy the other day:

"I think no matter what, even in the future we will still look back and think about our previous relationship. It's not about wanting to get back together though, that's what everyone always thinks when we hit one of those sad moments. I guess everytime we enter a new relationship, we are vulnerable to someone and it's like that person takes a chunk of our heart. It's normal I guess, to feel hung up. Keep walking forward, look forward and let the past just be the past. There's a reason why things didn't work out - sometimes we have to remind ourselves of those reasons. And then learn from our mistakes and move on to better stuff! It always gets better; it has to."

Thank you beb, you always know to put me at ease. You're right, things are getting better at my end :)

inconvenient truth

"People change. They end up have nothing to say to each other, even they're best friends the year before"

Quoted from a movie called Tape.

 I've been knocking on your door lately, my dearest friend. But they're all went unanswered. I tried to reach out to you yet you didn't respond. As much as I wanted to hate you, cut you out of my life, I'm still hoping you'd come around.

After 11 years of friendship, I honestly never thought we would come this far. My one and only question is what did I do so wrong to be treated this way?

Then I came across to the above quote,that's when I realised that it was you who have changed. Perhaps you do no longer value this friendship, the way you used to be. I don't blame you for that though because I know you have other priorities in life. 

So I decided to leave you alone, take care.